This will either turn out to be the best or worst decision I've ever made. Only time will tell... I want to believe this will be amazing, that the last few weeks have been a speed bump (or more accurately, a giant cesspool of suck) that if we can move past, will make our relationship that much stronger.
I hear of this happening... People and their unsolicited advice have told me that working through hardships make for stronger bonds in the end. That is yet to be determined, but considering I have given up on every other relationship I've ever had as soon as things got complicated, maybe trying a new tactic isn't the worst idea.
It's not my first rodeo... I know that as a 35-year old woman, anyone I meet is going to have a certain amount of baggage. I don't feel as though I entered this situation blindly-- I knew he was broke; I didn't care, he has ambition, ideas, goals and a crazy work ethic. I knew he had kids; I didn't care, I think they're awesome. His house looks like a freaking Unibomber shack; I didn't care, I'm really good at cleaning. It's the emotional, ex-related stuff I hadn't anticipated...
Obviously, everyone (once past the age of 16 or so) has a certain amount of Ex-related fucked-upness they bring to new relationships. This is definitely nothing new to me, but it gets tricky when the person you've fallen for is still actively dealing with the toxicity of their former. I got lucky with my Ex, in that both of his Exes and children lived out of state and there was little to no contact taking place. Selfishly, this was awesome. I knew every detail about them, his relationship with both of them and the circumstances surrounding why they were no longer around, and although some crazy shit had gone down, I feel like I was better able to deal with it because there was zero chance I was ever going to actually have to deal with it.
Meanwhile, back in the giant fishbowl where I currently reside, everyone knows everyone else as well as their secrets, their past mistakes and their present bullshit. This makes for difficult decision making, because even if you fancy yourself the type of person who cares very little about what others think, the fact is, you still care a little.
All I know at this moment, is that I have spent the last 2 weeks observing those around me and their relationships. What I have seen is people my parents' age who are plodding along in loveless marriages, doing little more than tolerating each other. They share a home, but not a bedroom, an intimate moment or even a kind word. I have seen people who have been together 2, 3, and 5 times longer than he and I, who do nothing but fight and spew vitriol at each other, and seem genuinely miserable together -not all the time- but a majority of the time.
Then I look at us... I'm not an idiot, I know we barely know each other, but the love I feel for this person even after what we've been dealing with the last few weeks, is still there. There has been an exorbitant amount of hurt, but never has there been name-calling or harsh words said in anger that we are unable to take back--something I witness happening endlessly around me. And somehow, even throughout some pretty dark moments, we've been able to laugh. This reinforces the faith I have that some things are worth the struggle. But again, only time will tell...
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