So I fell in love with a sociopath...

Maybe I am being overly dramatic, then again, maybe not.  

He "futured" me... and I let him do it.  It's what I wanted, so I never stopped to question it.  He hypnotized me with his dreamy eyes and disheveled hair.  He told me everything I was ready to hear, and got my ovaries all in an uproar.  Yes, he seemed too good to be true, and perhaps that should have been my first clue, but for once, I was trying not to be cynical and over-think things the way I am apt to do.

For the last 3 weeks, I have stood by watching my friends stare at me with thinly-veiled disbelief that I would even consider giving this guy a second chance.  It got to where I barely recognized myself at times.  In knowing what I knew about him, and attempting to move past it anyway, I had begun turning into a suspicious, mistrustful, apathetic shell of my former self who could barely get out of bed some days.  All the while, adamantly trying to convince myself that it would just take time.  That he really was sorry and that he truly meant it when he said he loved me and wanted a life with me. That I could believe in him.  

Then it happened... that integral moment which made this decision I'd been so painfully struggling with, seem so suddenly simple.  

After an ostensibly perfect evening together, cooking dinner, laughing, and enjoying each other's company the way we always had, we started discussing some serious things, and I asked him to let me look at his phone.  Let me repeat that for emphasis:  I asked him to let me look at his phone.  Many a crazy lady would have waited until he was asleep and stolen a peek, but I pride myself on not being that lady.  In light of the things that have happened, I felt this was a completely reasonable request.  He, however, froze like a dear in headlights.  The look on his face answered every un-asked question I had left.  I told him to leave my house, never contact me again, and if he had time, go to hell.

Today I shot 150 rounds at the range, bought $100 worth of underwear, and ate a pretzel bacon cheeseburger from Wendy's... all legitimate techniques for coping with heartbreak, yet still the sadness has crept in.  I think it was inevitable, even though ultimately I know I made the right decision.

I count myself lucky that I only wasted 3 months, not 3 years on him (God bless that whole 'older and wiser' schtick).  I also take some comfort in the knowledge that I have a significant number of dear friends poised to drop-kick him in the baby-maker if he ever comes near me again.  

In hindsight, it's probably best that it's over... In the time we were together, I heard him use the "word" "irregardless" more than once, and let's face it, that has always been a deal-breaker for me.

Just give me a reason...

This will either turn out to be the best or worst decision I've ever made.  Only time will tell... I want to believe this will be amazing, that the last few weeks have been a speed bump (or more accurately, a giant cesspool of suck) that if we can move past, will make our relationship that much stronger.  

I hear of this happening... People and their unsolicited advice have told me that working through hardships make for stronger bonds in the end.  That is yet to be determined, but considering I have given up on every other relationship I've ever had as soon as things got complicated, maybe trying a new tactic isn't the worst idea.  

It's not my first rodeo... I know that as a 35-year old woman, anyone I meet is going to have a certain amount of baggage.  I don't feel as though I entered this situation blindly--  I knew he was broke; I didn't care, he has ambition, ideas, goals and a crazy work ethic.  I knew he had kids;  I didn't care, I think they're awesome.  His house looks like a freaking Unibomber shack; I didn't care, I'm really good at cleaning.  It's the emotional, ex-related stuff I hadn't anticipated... 

Obviously, everyone (once past the age of 16 or so) has a certain amount of Ex-related fucked-upness they bring to new relationships.  This is definitely nothing new to me, but it gets tricky when the person you've fallen for is still actively dealing with the toxicity of their former.  I got lucky with my Ex, in that both of his Exes and children lived out of state and there was little to no contact taking place.  Selfishly, this was awesome.  I knew every detail about them, his relationship with both of them and the circumstances surrounding why they were no longer around, and although some crazy shit had gone down, I feel like I was better able to deal with it because there was zero chance I was ever going to actually have to deal with it.

Meanwhile, back in the giant fishbowl where I currently reside, everyone knows everyone else as well as their secrets, their past mistakes and their present bullshit.  This makes for difficult decision making, because even if you fancy yourself the type of person who cares very little about what others think, the fact is, you still care a little.  

All I know at this moment, is that I have spent the last 2 weeks observing those around me and their relationships.  What I have seen is people my parents' age who are plodding along in loveless marriages, doing little more than tolerating each other. They share a home, but not a bedroom, an intimate moment or even a kind word.  I have seen people who have been together 2, 3, and 5 times longer than he and I, who do nothing but fight and spew vitriol at each other, and seem genuinely miserable together -not all the time- but a majority of the time.  

Then I look at us... I'm not an idiot, I know we barely know each other, but the love I feel for this person even after what we've been dealing with the last few weeks, is still there.  There has been an exorbitant amount of hurt, but never has there been name-calling or harsh words said in anger that we are unable to take back--something I witness happening endlessly around me.  And somehow, even throughout some pretty dark moments, we've been able to laugh.  This reinforces the faith I have that some things are worth the struggle.  But again, only time will tell... 

And people wonder why I'm superstitious...

Obviously I know that superstition, or Mercury being in retrograde, or any number of other voo-dooey, mystical things have very little if anything to do with the fact that life can be a little bitch.  She's just waiting there quietly ...biding her time until you are nice and happy and complacent.  Then, out of nowhere...BAM!  Here is a giant, steaming pile of shit for you to deal with!  You're welcome!

Now, I've always been a bit of a "when life gives you lemons, make lemon-drop martinis" kind of a girl, but even my optimism has its limits.  

I was recently blind-sided by some information I learned about the man I'm seeing.  Was seeing.  Haven't yet decided if I am going to continue seeing.   Yes, the same man I so cock-eyed optimistically cooed and gushed about in my most recent post.  Part of me wishes I could turn back time and slap the keyboard right out from underneath my fingers, as I clearly jinxed myself by making such grand statements about my unconditional love for him.  Apparently, I do have some conditions.  

As is my way, when life and everything I know to be true comes crashing down around me, I got in my car and drove 500 miles away from the problem, hoping to gain some clarity.   It's amazing what 7 hours of driving, while intermittently crying, listening to bad country music and chain-smoking, can do for the soul.  And God bless my friend at the other end of those miles, for listening, making sure I ate, plying me with alcohol, making me laugh and giving me a peaceful place to talk things out and try to heal.  

Somehow, after all the emotions I experienced this week; after all the tears, and the screaming at the top of my lungs while driving down the highway at 85 mph, and the anger and the sadness, my brain and my heart still aren't ready to make a deal.  This is brand-new territory for me.  Usually, my decisions are pretty cut and dried.  If this were any of my friends, I know exactly what I would tell them.  But I just can't seem to take my own advice... not yet.