Ooh baby, it's a wild world...

When I was 26, I made the incredibly difficult decision to leave a somewhat abusive relationship with an alcoholic that I'd been involved with for over 3 years. I realized he was never going to change and unless I wanted to continue spending every night looking out the window, wondering when or if he was going to stumble home, I needed to call it quits and move on. I was young and had my whole life ahead of me and many oats to sow. Very shortly after, I started seeing someone who I thought was going to be an oat, but who turned into a 5 year relationship. When that didn't work out, something inside me clicked and I made the hasty, emotionally-driven and let's face it, cliched decision to swear off men completely. I actually found myself speaking the words: "I don't even like sex that much and I think I can live the rest of my life without having it anymore." Yes, at the ripe old age of 30, I was ready to embrace spinsterhood in all it's bitter, cat-collecting glory.

Then I went on an impromptu vacation to Vegas with some girlfriends. What began as a simple girls weekend involving spa treatments and lounging by the pool, turned into what is now fondly referred to as: "How Jess got her groove back." In the span of 2 hours, I went from crying into my champagne cocktail and complaining about my ex, to meeting a cute concert promoter in the casino and driving to the Hoover Dam to have sex in the back of his Mercedes. What was perhaps not the most intelligent decision in hindsight (since he could have been an axe murderer), nonetheless proved to be a catalyst toward owning my newfound freedom. When I returned from that fateful trip, it was with a renewed passion in my soul. I spent that first summer apart from my ex, sowing some long-suppressed oats and having the time of my life.

It was during this phase, however, that I discovered just how strange dudes can be.

Lesson 1.) Guys lie.

This is something that should have been obvious, but which I still find confounding, maybe because I don't lie. I heard things like: "My girlfriend and I broke up. It just wasn't working out and you are sooo awesome." The truth of course being: "My girlfriend is insane and I am an idiot. We break up every 3 days or so, and if she finds out you and I slept together, you might want to leave the country."

Lesson 2.) People misrepresent their intentions.

I'll never forget when I agreed to go to dinner with an old co-worker I hadn't seen in years, but who found me through the miracle of facebook. I was not attracted to him in any way, but thought it would be fun to catch up. I stated from the start that this was a "friend date" and nothing more, to which he agreed, yet he continually tried to kiss me over the course of the night. I don't like to be mean, but short of saying "If you try to stick your tongue in my mouth again, I WILL throw up on you", how could I have been more clear?

Lesson 3.) You never know what you're gonna get.

You meet a nice, attractive guy. You go out a few times and have a good time. Then you spend an entire afternoon cleaning and disinfecting your carpet because he is prone to sleep-walking and at 3 a.m. the previous night, he unconsciously thought your bedroom closet was the bathroom. Yes, it happened.

Dating is a gamble, and one I'm quickly losing energy and motivation for. It's experiences like these that make me want to expedite the process of moving to a cabin in the woods and becoming a recluse. Though if I did, I'm sure it would just be a matter of time before the grizzled old mountain man from the next cave over came knocking on my door with a jug of moonshine in his hand and a glimmer in his eye...

Too much information? Probably, but I don't care...

It's funny the things you have to consider when you start seeing someone after being single for a long time. Are my sheets clean? Is there anything weird lying around my apartment, like random tampons, or self-help books? Suddenly, thought needs to be given to your choice of underwear because someone besides yourself and your cats might be seeing it. Granny panties are no longer a viable option. You also have to think about your diet. Gone are the days of stuffing yourself full of pasta and garlic bread at dinner, unless you enjoy being very uncomfortable for the next 24 hours. Historically, I tend to lose about 10lbs when I start dating someone, simply from fear of eating anything offensive. My appetite, typically similar to that of a wildebeest, suddenly subsides when I realize I don't want to look 5 months pregnant later on during naked time. Last summer, I survived on a diet of wine, coffee and vitamin water for about 2 months. I looked great, but I was perpetually exhausted and sickly.

What's even funnier, in my experience, is once you are seeing someone for awhile, the opposite happens. When you get to a point in a relationship where you are comfy enough to fart in front of someone, all bets are off. When my ex and I first started dating, I was fairly uptight and prudish. I was also young and wholly uncomfortable with bodily functions. He on the other hand was older and had been married, so he'd seen it all and had no self-consciousness whatsoever about his body or anything it did. At first I was mortified by this, but after many a distressing morning of trying my best to wait until he left my apartment before I "took care of business", I broke down. I snuck into the bathroom, trying to be very quiet and stealthy, only to have him slip a note under the door a few minutes later that read:

"You are beautiful and so is your poop. :)"

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I did both. I honestly feel as though being that relaxed with someone was a huge step toward an intimacy I hadn't experienced before. It made me realize that if we grew old together (like we planned to), he would genuinely be there for me through sickness and health. If we had a baby, he would be in the delivery room waiting to cut the cord. If I drank too much, he would be there holding back my hair as I threw up and if, god forbid, I ever became an incontinent vegetable, he would bathe me and change my adult diapers. It was a comforting and reassuring feeling and something I had never given much thought to until that point.

On the flip side, when you're that cozy, it's easy to let yourself go--gain a little weight, stop shaving etc. Plus, it's not super romantic to "dutch-oven" somebody, let's be honest. So it seems like a happy medium is what is needed and desired. I guess that's probably what everyone is looking for, really. Someone who understands and accepts you are human but who you still strive to look pretty for and act respectful to, especially with regard to personal space. (Please don't drop a deuce while I'm in the shower...Sure it gives us extra time to talk about our respective days, but it's just gross.)