Don't look back in anger....

It seems to me there is an age at which people start taking stock of their lives and asking questions. Questions like "What might have been?" I don't want to label it a "mid-life crisis" because I don't quite think I'm there yet, but it's similar and I find it happening all around me. Ghosts of lovers past, suddenly start popping up on facebook and the like to ask "How have you been?!" "What are you doing now?!" "Are you married?!?!"

I get it. I am at an age where my peers and I have perhaps had a serious relationship or two, maybe even popped out a couple of rugrats, but things ultimately didn't work out and now instead of looking bleakly ahead into the unknown, it appears a lot easier and more enticing to look hopefully and optimistically to the past.

What ever happened to So-and-So?, you muse one night over a bottle of merlot. You begin to think he might have been "the one" and you were too young and foolish to recognize it. You think "Hey, we both liked Marilyn Manson and Red Lobster and Beavis and Butthead reruns... how have we not reconnected and gotten married?" Thankfully, the next morning when I awaken surrounded by empty wine bottles, chocolate wrappers, old journals and my high school yearbook, I have the clarity and presence of mind to realize that ship has sailed.

However, there are those who think that because we went our separate ways and got our respective shit together, we should absolutely give things another shot because obviously it would work out this time. 15 years past and 2000 miles apart be damned! Never mind the only thing we ever had in common was alcohol and low self-esteem, let's turn our lives upside-down and give it a go!

Don't get me wrong, the temptation is there. Unfortunately, the few times I've ventured back down this road, I wound up feeling as though the idea of re-falling in love with someone from my past was more enticing than the reality. Not to say they aren't amazing people with a lot to offer, but some things were meant to end. Besides, I have a whole lot of fresh mistakes to make with shiny, brand-spanking new people... I don't have time for hindsight.

Sweet surrender....

Spring is in the air and with it, love. It seems everyone around me is in love. One of my childhood bff's is getting married this month and 3, yes 3, different girls at work just announced their engagements. Even my annoying bar customers seem to be coupling off and if 'Creepy Juggler Guy' and 'Crazy Chocolate Martini Lady' can find a connection, then I feel like there is hope for us all.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I have been MIA from the facebook/blogosphere world for the past couple of months due mostly to a boy and the copious amounts of time we have been spending together. However, far from planning a wedding like my friends, I am simply enjoying his company and accepting the relationship for what it is: a passionate, caring, mutually beneficial situation that we both know is headed nowhere.

I know to some, this may sound strange and pointless. Quite honestly, I have always been the first one to opine about and question quite loudly why people stay in relationships that aren't right and state how I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong person. What I never figured into the equation, was how many amazing new experiences you might miss out on if you don't at least give things a chance. So what if the person you currently love isn't someone you see yourself with forever? Does that make the love you feel any less real?

In a strange way, this is the best relationship I've ever been in. I am rarely stressed out since I am not required to wonder "Where is this going?", nor do I waste energy nagging him about things that would most certainly annoy the hell out of me if I were secretly planning our future together. Instead, I'm free to live in the moment and that makes me happy...for now.