Thank you, I'd LOVE another Lemon drop...

It is no secret among those who know me, that I make incredibly poor decisions when I have been drinking. Granted, this could be said about most people, but I am talking seriously ridiculous decisions. However, in my defense, the circumstances I often find myself in that lead to these poor decisions are absurd and in no way my fault. Back in December, there was a particular night where I found myself hanging out at my house with some friends, as well as a guy I had been on a date or two with, and another guy who I'd been trying to hook up with for awhile. How did they both end up there? Crazy, random happenstance. Neither of the guys knew anything about the other and at one point, I found myself sitting next to one on the couch while the other sent me inappropriate texts from across the room. On what planet does this happen? So, while I should have simply gone to bed, I instead drank more wine and made out with the nearest one. Bad decision. That is why I've decided my friend "J" is officially the boss of me when we go out, from this point on. Her duties include, but aren't limited to: taking my cell phone away from me after I've had my 2nd drink; making sure all young, attractive military guys are kept at least 50 yards away from me at all times; and putting me in a cab when I start saying "Seriously you guys, I'm totally (hiccup) okay to drive!" My good friend from back home was my "Watcher" for years. She believed in tough love and was never afraid to bitch slap the beer goggles right off my face to stop me from doing things I would most definitely regret by the light of day. Now that we live in different states, we must rely on the occasional- "Tell me why this is a bad idea"- text. Of course, we're always there to talk each other down out of the crazy tree after we've done something stupid, too. That is what friends do and I have the most amazing friends in the world.

#1 Crush...

I, like many people, have limited days off to take care of a seemingly endless amount of chores and errand running. Often, there are numerous other things I would rather be doing than, say, getting groceries. However, this is why it helps to set up a few secret crushes around town... to motivate and inspire. As it stands right now, I am nursing about 8 different crushes. There's the sexy, kind- of-thuggish-looking manager at the grocery store; the super-cute, hippy, supplement guy at the natural food store; the hot, butch, tattooed girl at the oil change place... This doesn't even include all the people at work I have crushes on. Complications do arise though, especially if I let myself think too much. For example, I sometimes seek help from the cute supplement guy, even when I don't need it, which is fairly harmless. However, there are also times when I have had legitimate questions that I was suddenly very self-conscious about asking. "Can you suggest a good pro-biotic to help my digestive track?" "What's your favorite colon cleanse?" I am certain he receives these sorts of questions on a daily basis, but the last thing I want is for him to think about me pooping!! I also have a bad habit of stalking people. Not in a psycho, bunny-boiling way, just in a healthy, oh-that's-what-kind-of-car-you-drive, sort of way. It's a throwback to high school, when my friends and I would stalk each others' crushes until we had their entire class schedules memorized. Then, we could "accidently" run into them: "Oh, I didn't know you were in this class... want to walk to the library together?" We were diabolical in our plotting. Nowadays, I just have to be careful not to reveal information that I have no business knowing. The other day, while making small talk with Cutie at the register, he mentioned how cold it had been earlier that morning and how he hadn't wanted to leave his house and come to work. 'Right', I thought 'Because you ride your bike to work'. Thankfully, I stopped myself from blurting that out, thereby keeping my crush and my questionable knowledge of him, a secret for now.

I think the horse is dead... could you stop beating it please?

For some reason, people seem to find it strange that my ex and I still speak and are on good terms. He and I broke up over a year ago and although it was heart-breaking at the time, as most break-ups are, at this point I think it's become obvious that we get along better now than we ever did when we were together. I think it's because in hindsight, we should have never tried to be more than friends (possibly with benefits) in the first damn place. Our personalities are just way too different for us to have lasted. He still makes me laugh like crazy, though, and he is a genuinely good, kind-hearted person. Even though we're not together (and shouldn't be) I can't imagine him not being a part of my life. What I'm trying to get at here, is I don't understand couples that break up and get back together every other month or so. I have witnessed this over and over and it confounds me. Let's say you break up with someone because they're an alcoholic. They've been boozing it up every night, acting like an asshole, spending all their money at the bar and can't even get it up when they finally get home. You're sick of it. You kick them to the curb and yet a few weeks later, they come to you all doe-eyed and weepy with the "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me" and "I can change" schtick. So, what? You take them back because you're lonely, you miss them and you want to believe people can change. Well, people CAN change, but only if they are doing it for themselves and they truly want to. Oh, and it doesn't usually happen over the course of two weeks. When it's wrong, it's wrong and I believe that 9 times out of 10, people are fully aware that it's wrong, but don't want to admit it to themselves or the other person because the alternative is being alone. Well, maybe that's exactly what is needed. You might actually figure out what you want out of life! You might have fun and learn things about yourself, like what makes you happy! You might even end up not hating or resenting the other person! I fucking love being single at the moment and here is why:

1.) I can eat all the chunks of cookie dough out of the ice cream without anyone getting annoyed at me.

2.) I can sleep in whatever weird, spread-out, yoga-pose position I want to.

3.) I don't have to pretend to be interested in some sport/comic-book character/underground band that I could not possibly care less about.

4.) I can waste a perfectly good day watching 5 hours of Buffy on DVD without anybody busting my balls.

I am passionate about this because I know so many people (myself included) that go against their gut instinct whenever emotions or love are involved. I have definitely been guilty of talking myself into things, even though my gut was telling me it wasn't right. There were times I rationalized things and made excuses and tried to convince everyone around me that things were perfect in a vain attempt to simultaneously convince myself. I have also stayed in relationships much longer than I should have because I was scared of the alternative. I have since vowed never to lie to myself again and if that means I'm alone for awhile, so be it. Besides, I have some like-minded girlfriends and we have plans to kick it 'Golden Girls' style down in Florida in 30 years, so I'm set regardless.

Think about this....

One of the things I've come to realize about myself, is that I am a hunter. I am the quintessential "want-what-I-can't-have-and-lose-interest-once-I-get-it" type. Not always, but often. It's one of the main reasons I enjoy my very active imagination so much. No one gets hurt, or bored, or screwed over when things take place in my crazy little noggin'. Plus, I am rarely disappointed by my fantasies, which is unfortunately not true about my realities at times. Take, for example, the ridiculously hot, married cook I work with, whose mere presence has the same euphoric, mood-elevating effect on me as any drug I've ever heard of. Now, because he is married, nothing is going to happen between us. It would be wrong and it would be a disaster. Does that stop me from concocting very elaborate "dry-storage room" and "walk-in freezer" scenarios involving olive oil and/or whipped cream? No, because it's harmless and it keeps a smile on my face for much of the day. I never understand when people say they're bored... I rarely run out of things with which to keep myself amused. Next time you're stuck in a waiting room, whether it be at the doctor's office or at the courthouse awaiting jury duty, look around and observe people. Play the "who would I have sex with if the zombie apocalypse occurs while I'm in here?" game. My friend who travels extensively, plays a similar "who would I have sex with if this plane crashed on a deserted island?" game, while sitting in airports. If sex is not on your mind constantly, you can always change it up and figure out who you would kill and eat first, or better yet, who you think the zombies would kill and eat first. It certainly helps pass the time. Although, it may also be one of the reasons I'm not very good at making new friends in "real life"...because I'm so often in my own world and it's fun there and I'd don't like to be interrupted.

Seriously?

Okay. Here is what I am sick of... Chics that give gals like me and my friends a bad name by acting all crazy/possessive/psycho/passive-aggressive. I would say that 99% of the girls I am friends with are super confident, self-aware ladies that don't want any drama or bullshit in their lives, especially from guys. Ironically enough, guys are always saying "I don't want any drama, blah, blah, blah..." Yet, almost every guy I know is currently either putting up with bullshit girlfriend insecurities, or worse, they are acting like an insecure little girl themselves, by staying in bad relationships just because the girl is "nice" or "sweet". If I hear this excuse one more time, I am going to scream! Someone can be "nice and sweet" all day long, but that doesn't make them right for you! Fucking grow a pair and do what makes YOU happy, instead of staying in ridiculous relationships that are going nowhere, just because you're too much of a pussy to end it when you know it's not right! Movies and T.V. would have us all believe that guys are the macho, womanizing, commitment-phobic types that "can't be tied down". Well, in my experience, things are the exact opposite. For years, my friends and I have been dealing with dudes who want to move in after the second date, are unbelievably jealous, and who cry waaaaaayyyy too much. I don't understand why people can't just hang out and have fun? I sometimes feel like my world is a virtual wasteland of smart, good-looking, funny men who have issues I want nothing to do with. They're either married/girl-friended, an alcoholic, or are my boss. None of them seem particularly happy with where they are or who they are with and sometimes hint, or blatantly say, they'd rather be with me... Well, fuck that. If you want me, you can leave your girlfriend/wife and come get me, but I really hope you don't because I'd probably just sleep with you and then never call. Apparently, I am more of a guy than most guys out there.

I am smelling like a rose...

I love the way people smell...men especially. My first love, self-proclaimed his scent as "Polo cologne, spearmint gum and manliness". He was a trip. I'm not talking about cologne though, since most dudes wear entirely too much of it anyway. I am talking about that musky, been-through-a-day-of-the-elements, natural man scent. Catch me in the right mood and put a sweaty man nearby... I am toast. I think everyone knows a little bit about pheromones, but recently I learned something that I find unbelievably fascinating. According to scientists, women are actually capable of 'sniffing out' men with different genetic codes than their own. The logic is that we women innately seek a mate with opposite genetics so that we can produce children with immunities to a larger number of things. This intrigues me on so many levels. First of all, it explains why some people (myself included) seemingly have no "type" when it comes to choosing a partner. Now, those that know me would say "Um, Jess...you like Spanish guys and dudes with pony tails who are in bands." On the surface, this is true. However, the people I've had relationships with have been super random, and if you factor in this smell thing, it starts to make sense. Your base instincts can tell you who you should reproduce with, but that doesn't mean you are in any other way compatible with that person. You've got to use your head! I have been obsessed with the olfactory sense forever; it's such a powerful memory trigger! When I was 16, I had a relationship with a guy who I typically only saw on the weekends since he lived in another town and we went to different schools. We were both pretty goth and scrubby at the time, and I'm pretty sure he didn't wash his hair very often. I adored the way he smelled and in an effort to simulate it during the week when I couldn't see him, I began going 2, 3, 4, days without washing my own hair. (I wonder if he is laughing right now, since I know he reads this blog and I don't think I've ever revealed this information before...) I have also wondered if our innate senses can be confused, simply by diversity. When I met my ex, I was instantly attracted to him. He smelled like coffee, cloves and nag chamba incense, which was a magical combination and a welcome change from the stale beer and cigarette smell I'd become accustomed to in my previous relationship. So, were my instincts confused, simply because he was so different? And when you become attached to someone's scent, it stays with you forever. I am 99.9% percent over my ex, yet we had lunch together the other day and while sitting on the patio of the restaurant, the wind shifted and I caught a whiff of him. Suddenly, my brain was transported back 3 years and we were watching a movie together on the couch while I snuggled in the crook of his arm and breathed him in. It threw me for a loop, but I said nothing. I mean, just because we'd evidently make 'super babies' that are immune to everything, doesn't mean we're meant to be. I might start asking potential suitors for a DNA sample, just to save myself the stress of wondering...and if a fella should find it strange that I want to swab the inside of his cheek on our second date, then maybe he's not the fella for me.

SWF seeks DDFS/W/H/B/M for NSA fun...

Okay, I admit it. Sometimes when I'm bored, or need a good laugh, I peruse the personal ads on Craigslist. My favorite is the "missed connections" site. If you're unfamiliar with this, allow me to school you. Have you ever made eye contact with an attractive person in another car while stopped at a red light? Perhaps you exchange smiles or a wink. But, before you know it, the light has changed and you must continue driving. 'Damnit' you think... that could have been my soul-mate and now he's gone. Enter: Craigslist Missed Connections. Simply sit your ass down at the computer and type up a little something like...

Looking for my red light Prince Charming

You were in a dented, primer gray Ford Festiva

I only saw you for a second, but I felt a real connection

Respond with what kind of car I was driving so I know it's you.

I have read many that are equal parts 'romantic comedy plot' and 'restraining order waiting to happen'. The sheer volume of men who are searching for a lady they met in Walmart, is staggering. Then there are what I like to call the "morning after" posts. People that post on Saturday and Sunday mornings, trying to find the person they made out with at the club the previous night. Really? If they showed up for breakfast, would you even recognize them? I know I wouldn't.

I have nothing against using the internet to try to meet someone. I have friends on E-Harmony and Match.com and I actually know a few couples that met that way. Good for them, it's just not my bag. For one thing, it's too easy for me to completely discount people based on their abhorrent spelling and grammar. (So many men are "looking four a women to steel there hart") Secondly, when dudes try to take a picture of themselves to post with their ads, they always end up looking like serial killers. In the few months since starting this amusing pastime, I have read maybe three ads I would ever consider responding to, and it's because they made me laugh out loud. This is one I found the other day:

I am a normal person. I hang from trees. I teach school.

I am decent looking and not fat.

Real persons only. Women w/o penises only.

U wanna talk, subject line must mention something about toes.

I could get on board with this guy. It's also bizarre how many people just want someone to come over and cuddle with them, or watch a movie and snuggle on the couch. I have these people pegged as having just come out of a long-term relationship where those things were standard. Now, they don't necessarily want to go out on dates or have random hook-ups, but they desperately miss the day-to-day closeness of a relationship. I get that. There aren't many things I miss about my ex, but snuggling is one. If I ever place a personal ad, it will probably read something like:

SWF seeking M 'Teddy Bear' type to snuggle with for about 1/2 hour every night, after which time you must leave so I can roll over and get a decent night's sleep.

Must be non-smoker/non-snorer/non-gross

Heavy breathers with cold feet need not respond.

I swear, she didn't mean anything to me!

Here is a precious little gem a friend shared with me at the bar the other night: "Rings don't plug holes". Poetic, I know. He was, of course, referring to wedding rings and I will let you fill in the rest. It's not shocking to know that this friend has cheated on his girlfriend repeatedly. I've always had a little trouble understanding people who cheat on their significant others. If you want to sleep around, then why are you even in a relationship? Some people I know, choose to fool around but not actually have sex. Apparently this alleviates some of the guilt and they don't truly think they are cheating. Well, as my very wise girlfriend likes to say "In for a naked penny, in for a naked pound". I realize maybe I'm over simplifying things, but seriously? Why can't people figure out what they want and stick with it? I am not in a relationship right now because I have no business being in one. I think a lot of people just want a sweet slice of booty cake and they want to eat it too. I also think some people have no idea what they want, so they 'do' whatever comes along. Then there are those who I believe are borderline sociopaths. I have a friend who recently got out of a very bad situation with someone like this. The future he had dreamed up for the two of them seemed so enticing and real, that when he ultimately decided to stay with his wife, she was blind-sided. Now, she knows she never should have become involved with him in the first place, but it happened. It happens. I have personally found myself in the "mistress" role more than once, both knowingly (and guiltily) and accidently. Yes, believe it or not, people lie! Not only do they lie to their partners about cheating, but they lie to the person their cheating with about having a partner. I learned this the ridiculous way, when after a few weeks of innuendo-laced texting with a co-worker, we finally got together one night. After a couple days, I sent him a facebook message asking what was up and eluding to the night we had spent together. An hour later I received a message back from his GIRLFRIEND, asking me what the f*ck was going on. Fun! I apparently have a knack for stumbling ass-backwards into drama. All I know, is when I've been in committed relationships in the past, I have never been tempted to cheat. Relationships are a lot of work to begin with but you throw in a little something on the side that is both stressful and time-consuming? Really, who has that kind of energy?