Because you can give yourself a neck rub, but it's not the same...

It's hard not to feel lonely this time of year. I'm not even talking about the holidays... that is a whole other bowl of depression. I'm talking about autumn. The air gets brisk and the days get shorter. The entire season is devoted to cozy things like apple cider, sweaters and fireplaces. Everything about autumn is conducive to snuggling under a blanket with someone and watching movies. So it stands to reason that no matter how good you're feeling about your life, or how happy and fulfilled you typically fancy yourself, this time of year can throw you for a loop. It sneaks up on you too... Recently, I've found myself wanting to punch couples in their respective, happy faces. Normally, I am fairly indifferent to couples. I figure if they want to be in a relationship, good for them! Their lives are probably a little dull and they likely spend more time watching reality TV together than having sex, but they're happy. Of course, all jadedness aside, they also have someone to spoon with after a rough day. I believe it was that revelation that prompted my near-assault on some people canoodleing in front of me the other day. I also realized during a moment of reflection, that close to 80% of the relationships I've been in, began between September and November. Coincidence? I don't think so. Now, I am a self-proclaimed nostalgia-junkie. Once I start rolling down memory lane, it's difficult to stop and I often end up in a sad little funk. I was driving home from work tonight with the heater blasting, since my driver's side window is stuck in the down position. It's one of the first nights this season that we've had rain and a few snow flurries. I've been so looking forward to either, I didn't even care that my left ass-cheek was wet from said weather soaking my car seat. The smell of the moisture in the air and the way the clouds and mist hung in the sky as I was driving, sent my mind away. I was transported back to autumn of 2004 when my ex and I got together. He had this small, cozy apartment just down the street from my own, with a heater in the living room that looked like a wood-burning stove. That heater made his apartment soooo warm and comforting. I remember going over there and watching movies and talking for hours on end in that toasty little womb of an apartment that smelled intoxicatingly like coffee and incense. It was my happy place and it would have been next to impossible not to fall in love with him in those surroundings. When I recall memories like that, it's hard not to become enveloped by a sense of loss and loneliness. Thankfully I am able to recognize it as the perfect, yet fleeting, moment in time it was. I smile fondly and dreamily, (perhaps cry a little) and move on, knowing there will surely be even more perfect moments like it down the road.

I'm sorry, I don't understand why you're not in love with me yet...

Dating. It continues to be something of a foreign concept to me. I remember when I was growing up, I would watch movies and TV shows where people would go on dates and I recall being very excited at the prospect that someday, when I was older, I too would be participating in this ritual. My brother and I had a "dress-up" box, filled with old Halloween costumes and thrift-store clothes that we would put on and parade around the house in when we were bored. I distinctly remember being around 9 or 10 years old and putting together an outfit consisting of a black miniskirt and a blue and black, sleeveless, zebra print shirt with a silver sequined belt over top (laugh it up, but this was the 80's and it was rad.) I told my parents this was what I intended to wear on my first date, to which my Dad replied "over my dead body." Turns out he didn't have to worry about that for a long time. Awkward adolescence hit me with a vengeance and between the 3 years of braces, the spiral perms I was so fond of, and a very unfortunate fashion-sense, the boys weren't exactly lining up around the block to ask me out. When my friends and I finally did start attracting the opposite sex in our mid-teens, actual "dates" continued to elude us because we inevitably went out with boys we already knew and who were part of our circle of friends. We would all hang out as a group at parties or at the park or at concerts, but there was rarely, if ever, one-on-one time spent doing anything except making out in the back of a car. I did not go on my first legitimate date until I was 22 years old and it was a total train wreck. For some reason, I took a liking to this friend of a co-worker, who seemed nice and who I thought was somewhat attractive, even though he was 46 years old. He took me out to dinner at an Italian restaurant, and before we had finished the first course, he had already proven to be A.) a complete racist B.) a complete moron C.) possibly the owner of a puppy mill. If only cell phones had been common then... I would have been texting everyone I knew to come get me the hell out of there. Since then, I have most often ended up with co-workers whom I already knew on a friendly basis, therefore making "getting to know you" dates unnecessary. Fast forward to present day and my most recent predicament. I'm at this Pub last week and I run into this unbelievably cute guy from the natural foods store, who I've had a crush on forever (see my previous blog entitled #1 Crush). I decide it's fate and that if I don't talk to him, I will regret it forever. So I go talk to him... and he ends up asking me for my number... and he calls me 2 days later... and we go out for a beer the next day... and we talk for hours and have a great time... or so I thought. I foolishly assumed he felt the same connection I did and that my wit and girlish charm would have him pining for the next moment he could spend with me. It's now been a full week and I have not heard from him. I find myself thoroughly confused and wondering if this is one of those "games" I always hear about. Or if, as the movie so eloquently put it, "he's just not that into me". Regardless, this experience has soured me a little toward dating. Why should I put myself out there and deal with this nonsense when I have 2 perfectly loving cats at home and a stack of books on my night-stand just waiting to be read? After all, there's no law that says you have to be old to be a spinster.