Any sympathy I might have for these guys ends abruptly around the 5th call, at which point I want to tell them all to go suck a d. I'd feel slightly more sorry for them if it weren't for the huge signs/candy and flower displays that popped up in every store on earth the day after Christmas and the 200 or so full-page ads that have appeared in every newspaper for the last month, detailing restaurants' "Special 4-course Valentine's Day dinners", each complete with their own variation of shrimp cocktail, seafood bisque, cornish hens and some chocolate-raspberry nonsense for dessert. Get it together guys. I know you don't give a crap about this stuff, but chics dig guys with a game plan.
What is equally hilarious to me is girls who go overboard with V-Day plans for their boyfriend/husband. Here's a tip ladies, from me to you, that will save you a lot of time and money: Guys don't want flowers. Or candy. Or even a card. Guys want blow-jobs. There. Now put that money back in your wallet and use it to buy yourself a kick-ass scarf later.
Finally, I'd like to discuss Valentine's cards and what a piss-poor selection there is. I come across this problem whenever I have a special someone in my life at this time of year. Historically, there have been times when I was so ass over teakettle in love, that the gooey, "I-never-knew-what-love-was-until-I-met-you" cards fit the bill perfectly. However, more often than not, I am needing to convey a slightly more complicated sentiment.
Something like:
"I'm not yet sure if I love you, but I certainly enjoy your penis."
Or:
"I can't really picture being with you forever, but this last year has been super fun!"
Or:
"I love how you make me laugh, but I wish you satisfied me sexually."
Since card shopping is a constant source of frustration for me, I think perhaps I have found my new calling in life... Hallmark, you're going down.
