Breaking up is hard to do...

Forgive me for stating the obvious, but it's true.  Breaking up sucks.  It's difficult whether you've been dating someone for 5 days or 5 years, because in essence, what you are saying to them is "You lack something that I require."  And often, what is lacking is something they already know about them self and having the person they care about present it to them and proceed to reject them as a suitable partner because of it, is awful.  

In some cases, your needs are clear and obvious.  In my 1st serious relationship, I stated to him "I need you to NOT stumble home drunkenly at 2:30 a.m. every night, take a piss in my garden and proceed to pass out open-mouthed and drooling on my brand new sofa."  I felt this was a legitimate request.  However, he could not abide, so out the door I went and I never looked back.  I had slowly lost any respect I'd ever had for him, and with it, any love I'd ever felt.  

But so much more often, the situation is a little fuzzier.  Breaking things off when you still love and care for someone, yet you know in your heart they will never be the person you want them to be, or be able to provide you with what you need... that's when it's tricky.  I've always believed that loving someone is the easy part.  Dealing with their family crap/prior relationship baggage/day-to-day b.s. is the real challenge.   

I know people can change.  I also know they will only do so when they are damn good and ready, and not usually because someone tells them they have to.  Changing fundamental things about yourself to attempt to make someone else happy, does nothing but breed resentment and, in my eyes, is more or less fulfilling an ultimatum: "Become the person I expect you to be, or it's over."  Who wants to live that way? 

Still, I am guilty of staying in relationships longer than I should have, simply for the comfort that comes from having someone around.  Those who know me, know I enjoy my solitude and independence, yet there's something to be said for having someone to come home to and snuggle with on a cold night.  It's also very easy to be seduced by the vision of yourself as seen through the eyes of someone who loves you.  You say to yourself "This person thinks I hung the moon... how can I possibly hurt them?"  

It's hard on the cats, too.  Laugh it up, but you try to explain to 2 precious little furry beings why the tall, hairy, deep-voiced human that pets them all the time, is no longer around.  Even if the relationship only lasted a few months, that's like, 4 1/2 years to a cat!  I'm just saying, break-ups are rough on everyone. 

I've often wondered if my expectations are too high.  I'm curious what it would be like to be one of those people who meets someone and decides "This is it.  I'm done with dating, I want a family, so whatever nonsense comes along with this person, I'm just going to accept it and power through for the greater good."  I know people like this.  I've watched them in action and it's intriguing.  But for me, it sounds dangerously like I'd be changing and compromising my vision of the future for someone else and that, I resent.

Papa don't preach...

Everywhere I look...babies. Perhaps it's because I live in a military town, but I swear you can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting a pregnant chic.  They're in restaurants, movie theaters, and most often, clothing stores.  Struttin' around with their adorable little basketball bellies, trying on maternity sundresses and stretchy pants.  

I've always loved pregnant bellies.  I am the psycho that accosts women in the grocery store to tell them how beautiful they look, all fat and waddling around.  In fact, if I were a dude, my obsession would be down-right creepy.  I have dressed up pregnant for Halloween three times, jokingly saying it was the scariest costume I could think of. 

I've never considered myself "baby-crazy".  In fact, children kind of freak me out.  So, I have never put much stock in the whole 'biological clock' thing, but recently, it feels like the universe is shouting at me: "Hey lady!  You ain't gettin' any younger!  Shit or get off the pot!"  (Apparently, I picture the universe as a hot-tempered, Italian-American cab driver.)  

For years, when asked if I wanted kids, my party line has been "Well, the jury is still out... perhaps if I meet the right guy?"  Lately though, I feel like my whole 'maybe-when-the-time-is-right' attitude, is quickly devolving into 'it's-now-or-never', as I'm bombarded with horror stories and statistics about older woman conceiving.

Now, I also hear it's helpful if there is a dude around to get this ball rolling, and as of late, there is no dude.  I finally called it quits with the man-child boyfriend due in large part to my recent soul-searching.  The irony of my life, of course, is that I broke up with him because he doesn't want children, nor is he in any way capable of the stability required to undertake such things even if he did.  Yet, I will probably spend the next 6 months mourning our relationship and in doing so, waste that much more time not finding someone who does want the same things I do.

Sure, it has occurred to me over the years that the right man/time/circumstance might never present itself, so like any smart planner, I had some back-ups in place.  You know, guy friends I made pacts with so that if it got to this point, we would pop out a baby or two together.  The problem is, my back-ups are a couple of suckers that keep getting girlfriends or getting married.  Clearly, I did not think these plans through....

I don't want to end up as a crazy lady who walks up to random men on the street who have straight teeth and full heads of hair and asks if they'd be interested in knocking me up. So, I suppose I need to just settle down and keep believing, as I have my whole life, that things will work out the way they're supposed to.  And if, at age 37, I'm still telling myself this, then bring on the turkey baster.