For as long as I can remember, I've loved the holidays. I love the songs, the movies, the decorations, and the cookies. What I do not love, is the forced merriment, the stressed out shoppers/diners I have to deal with at work, or the feeling of expectation that the big day is supposed to be something it is often not. I am happy to spread as much joy as possible, buy a few gifts, and spend December 25th relaxing, eating, drinking and going to bed at a reasonable hour.
My ex and I started a tradition of driving around on Christmas Eve, drinking cocoa, listening to carols and looking at Christmas lights. In my romanticized hindsight, it was always magical and tender and we would get home, curl up on the sofa to watch a Christmas movie, and enjoy a beautiful night. When I really think about some of those Christmas Eves past, however, I remember that we also got into quite a few fights when I thought he was driving too fast and recklessly on icy streets and trying to turn up people's private driveways to get a better view of things. In fact, the last time we ventured out, I distinctly recall pouring a fair amount of peppermint schnapps into my cocoa, hoping to attain a level of apathy toward his driving that would prevent a Yuletide fight. I don't remember if it worked or not, you know, cuz I was all drunk...
Regardless, for the past 3 years (since he and I broke up), I've upheld this driving-around-looking-at lights tradition, only now I do it alone, crying, and pining for the past. It's really quite a spectacle. Thankfully, when I get home and pop in 'It's a Wonderful Life', the only ones around to see me weep into my wine are my cats, and they don't judge.
It occurred to me the other day, that I reference my ex quite often, in this blog and in life. A friend actually asked me if I would consider getting back together with him--if maybe that's what I really want. I thought about it for a minute, but only for a minute, because if I'm being completely honest with myself, the answer is no. He is an amazing person, and I will always love him, but we didn't work. I want what we had, but better. I've since dated the too young, the too clueless, the too selfish and I've pursued the too old and too uninterested, with no one quite falling in the middle yet. I'm apparently the freaking Goldilocks of dating.
This year, I decided to buck tradition and instead, hung out with friends, got drunk and confessed some feelings to a crush...Had that worked out in my favor, I don't suppose I'd be sitting here typing this, but so what? I've always been a bigger fan of New Year's than Christmas anyway. I like clean slates, new beginnings and fresh starts, all of which a new year encompasses. So, instead of letting the holidays make me blue, I'm going to continue making my resolutions list and look forward.
Resolution #1) Maintain a high level of awesomeness.
This shit is gonna be easy...
