On the prowl...

According to the extensive research I have done on the topic, a woman isn't considered a 'cougar' until she is over 40, at which point the 'cougar math' goes as follows: take your age, divide it by 2 and add 7. The result is the maximum age of your 'prey'. So, if you just turned 40, and you're dating someone 27 or younger, you are officially a coug. I like this consensus. It means I've got quite a few years before I need to start shopping for leopard print body suits and satin bath robes. Not that I won't relish every second when I do get there. I am all about living in the moment and enjoying what you have. You couldn't pay me to be 18 again, especially when I remember how freaking naive I was. I work with a lot of teenagers at the restaurant and they are so precious in their stupidity. And so adorable... one of the bus boys, who can't be more than 17, looks like a young John Cusack. I would tell him, but I'm guessing his response would be a blank stare at best. (Sidenote: if you want to really freak yourself out, find an old picture of yourself from high school and take a good look. I found my senior picture the other day and I literally look like an infant.) Currently, I'm told I am a gal who's 'in her prime'. This pleases me. I plan to soak up and enjoy every minute of my prime and when I'm past it, I will embrace cougardom with equal enthusiasm. I must say, what I am really looking forward to is when I'm in my 60's. I plan on having a short, sassy hair do' and a dresser full of brightly colored pant- suits and sequined, kitty-cat sweatshirts. I will take power walks and join league bowling. I will also have a gentleman friend to go on cruises with and when I tire of his company, I will take a much younger lover. It is going to be fantastic.

What are your qualifications?

I have never been the type of gal that needs to be in a relationship in order to have sex. This is not to say that I run around having sex with random strangers either. I do, however, believe that if you find someone you have chemistry with, but know for a fact any actual "relationship" would be a disaster due to different lifestyles, ideas etc., why not develop a 'friends with benefits' situation? It's hurting no one as long as both parties agree on the terms. The problem is, it's kind of difficult to find a really good fuck buddy. It takes time, patience and research. I propose that there be a formal application process, complete with an extensive one-on-one interview, before any clothing is removed. Questions would vary greatly depending on who was conducting the interview, of course, but some of mine would include:

• Are you a diseased whore?
• Have you given women orgasms in the past?
• Are you sure?
• Are you prone to mistaking sexual intimacy with love?
• If you were to "work for this company", would you be willing to "travel downtown" regularly?
• How much weight can you lift and are you capable of tying a decent knot?
• May I contact your references?

Because honestly, the whole point of this type of situation is that it's no-fuss, no-muss. Who has time to beat around the bush? (Pun very much intended) I have more than one friend who has had relationships like these. One of them should never try. She inevitably falls in love and ends up getting hurt, and that is where the entire system breaks down. The other is so skilled in her man juggling, she should really write a book. The only problems that ever arise for her, as far as I can tell, is she gets bored with/tired of/annoyed by them eventually. I am still searching for a good one. Since I'm currently in a very non-relationship-ey state of mind, it's perplexing to deal with people who ask me out on dates. Take, for example, the bartender at work that I have a crush on. If he were to ask me out, I would have to respond with: "Sorry, no. See, I sort of like you, so if we went out and really hit it off, things would progress and I don't want progression. Conversely, if we went out and it went badly, then things would be weird between us at work. Perhaps we could just have sex? Hold on, I have an application in my purse..."

El es dulce para mis ojos.

My spanish speaking friend has informed me that the things I want to say in Spanish, don't really translate. I say "porque no?" If I want to say someone is "candy for my eyes", I will. Believe me, there is plenty of "dulce para mis ojos" at my current waitressing job, in the form of an all Mexican kitchen staff. I have been drawn to latino men for years. I'm not sure exactly when it began, and as my friends back home like to say, "No one expected the Spanish Inquisition". There's just something about their smooth, dark skin...and the eyes!! The dark, penetrating eyes! There is one cook imparticular who can practically set my skin on fire with a single look. It feels as though his gaze is piercing my soul, and I am reduced to a giggling, blushing school girl around him as a result. To make matters worse, he knows full well how nervous he makes me and therefore takes every opportunity possible to tease me. Oh, and have I mentioned he is married? This is actually a good thing, because flirting is harmless and if he were available, I would no doubt be making some very questionable decisions right now. Besides, I am fairly certain the fantasy world I've created in my head could never be topped by reality, so it's best if don't let myself be disappointed. Gracias chicos, for giving a girl a reason to enjoy an otherwise lackluster work environment. Hasta manana.

Love, or something like it.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with love. I love being in love! Waking up next to someone with whom you feel so connected to. Gazing at them as they sleep so peacefully. Wanting to spend every waking moment with them because it physically hurts when they are not near you. It's grand. I've been in love many times and each person was so special to me and to that particular point in my life, that I will continue to feel love for them until the day I die. It does not mean, however, that I was necessarily 'meant to be' with any one of them. I also don't recall ever actively looking for love. It always just happened and that's the way I think it should be. The way I see it, falling in love is the easy part... it's compatibility and compromise that I struggle with, because so many people annoy the piss out of me and I don't care for compromising. In fact, at this point, most of my friends and I have constructed some sort of 'list of traits' we are looking for in a potential partner. Some are preferences that can be easily disregarded if the person is wonderful in other ways. Others are deal-breakers. My list currently includes 38 items. For example:

22.) Must like to dance. That is negotiable, not everyone can boogie.

3.) Must have car and valid driver's license. Non-negotiable. I spent too many years driving people around. You're a functioning adult, you should have a freaking car.

25.) Must be able to spell. Negotiable--I realize it's a personal pet peeve.

15.) Must "get" me and my sense of humor. An ABSOLUTE must! If I am cracking jokes and he is staring at me as though I've grown a third ear, he's out the door. I am a freaking riot, and if you want to spend your life with me, you need to recognize!

Now, I realize that by making my list, I've inevitably jinxed myself and will end up falling head over ass in love with someone the exact opposite of what I think I want....that's what makes this so fun!

Sex and the City of Colorado Springs

I moved to Colorado Springs 10 years ago, as an impressionable young 20-something looking for adventure, love and pretty much anything different from the small farming town I'd grown up in back east. I've since, had some adventures. I've had quite a bit of fun. I've also found love more than once, but after spending the majority of my 20's in 2 separate relationships that ultimately didn't work out, I realized I was ready to spend some time outside of "relationship land" and start living MY life. My most recent relationship of 4 1/2 years, ended last January after I finally came to terms with the fact that we just weren't right for each other and I had been trying to force things into place for years. After the obligatory 3 months or so of heartache, I started spending more time with my girlfriends whom I'd lost touch with. I started going out more. I started dating, even though I knew I didn't want anything serious to come from any of the dates, it was still nice to see another side of things. 2009 ended up being one of the greatest years of my life, all because I was honest with myself about what I wanted and I began saying "yes" to all the fun things life was throwing my way.

I am an aspiring writer (among other things), who works in a restaurant, wears $20 shoes and who doesn't drink Cosmos. I think spending a month's salary on a designer outfit is just about the dumbest thing anyone could do. But I have girlfriends that I love dearly. And we drink. And we date men. And we have sex. And sometimes we get into really fucked up situations that, in hindsight, are hysterical. These are the things I intend to share and also (hopefully) some nuggets of wisdom I learn along the way....