Do you know The Secret?

I know "The Secret". You might laugh and call me a delusional hippy, but for those of you who are also in the know, you can appreciate the power of the universe. For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, allow me to give you a brief education on the principles. "The Secret" suggests that you can have anything you want/need in this world, you just have to "attract" it to yourself with positive thought. Basically, you can manifest your own destiny by focusing on what you want in your life; the law of attraction being that "like attracts like". I don't typically put a lot of stock into this sort of flowery nonsense, but this makes sense to me and seems somewhat legitimate. That being said, I have crafted a "vision board"... a 2X3 bulletin board containing pictures and quotes of things I want to see, do and be. It has so far proven surprisingly affective. The trouble is, lately I seem to be accidentally manifesting the wrong things by not being completely clear about my intentions and desires. Example: I recently decided to try to form a clear picture in my head, of what my ideal mate would look like. I am here to tell you it's really difficult to do that from scratch. You inevitably end up picturing people you already know, then cutting and pasting together some amorphous image of a whole person. Or, in my case, you get distracted with picturing someone who you are unbelievably attracted to, but who is completely wrong for you in every other way and end up inadvertently bringing that person back into your life in a most unhealthy manner. I would never consciously and rationally try to bring too-young-for-me-emotionally-unavailable-immature-man-whores into my world, yet apparently because there are a grip of them floating around town right now, my irrational subconscious was like "Eh, have a little fun... what's the harm?" The harm lies in the fact that the very recent ex-girlfriend of this particular mistake, is bunny-boiling crazy and prone to stalking... I will be re-vamping my vision board this week, and I am tempted to fill it with very safe things like rainbows, moonbeams and a photo of an island where I will vacation soon, because you really have to be careful when you mess with the universe.

I shall continue to rant until I get answers...

I am a pretty positive, optimistic person 99% of the time, but I've had a rough couple of days, so this is what you get. I'll admit it... I don't "put myself out there" very often and here's why: a.) I'm not really looking for a relationship right now. b.) It's a scary world. People lie and misrepresent themselves daily. It's just a matter of time until I let myself trust someone, get comfortable with them, then find a baggie full of fingernail clippings in their medicine cabinet. I'd just assume save myself the restraining order and go with my gut from the beginning. Once in awhile, though, I will meet someone and open myself up to the possibility of dating them and do you want to know what I find? A sweet guy who brings me flowers, is actually a 45 -year old stoner who lives in a van. (Oh, and he stole the flowers.) Aces. A cute guy who comes to my bar and enjoys telling me how beautiful I am and that we should exchange emails so we can "chat" some night, actually has a home, wife (and probably a dog), in the Philippines. Outstanding. Are these really my choices? And it doesn't end there... One of my friends has been accidently dating closeted gay men for years. Then there are the newly-divorced-think-they're-ready-to-date-but-aren't guys, the ones with psycho exes stalking them, the manic-depressives, the drunks, the felons, and the racists. The other thing I'm sick of is all the half-assed, luke-warm sentiment from the somewhat decent ones that have potential. Supposedly, you love me and think I'm wonderful, but instead of making that clear to me and declaring your intentions, you pussy-foot around and act like a douche until I lose interest. Fantastic. Where are the grand gestures? So help me God, if I ever end up married, it will be to the guy who stands outside my bedroom window holding a boombox over his head blaring "In your eyes" by Peter Gabriel. Actually, on second thought, it doesn't even need to be that song... any Monster Ballad from the 80's will work equally well, if not better, and any guy worth my time would know that.

I wonder if she likes me???

The other night I was out with some friends, having a few beers after work. My good friend "S" was introduced to a fella whom she was instantly attracted to. All the surface details were intact: tall, big frame, tattooed, bald. That's her bag, so she decided to chat him up a bit and see where the night led. Unfortunately, after talking for just a few minutes, he did something so many guys tend to do. In what I can only assume was an attempt at humor toward a girl he assumed would laugh, he referred to herbal remedies as "magical-Lord-of-the-Rings-bullshit". Now, while I find this hysterical (even though I too, partake of herbal remedies for what ails me) she was instantly put off. To make matters worse, when we exited the bar at the end of the night, I watched the guy take the last cigarette out of his pack, crumple the pack in his hand and throw it directly on the ground in front of him. I thought my die-hard environmentalist friend's head was actually going to explode. An innocent remark that backfires is one thing, but blatant littering? Oh hell no. This is why my friend refuses to date. Call it 'the perils of acute self-awareness', but I feel her pain. She and I and many others I know, can usually tell within five minutes of meeting someone, whether or not it's worth our time to continue talking to them for another five. She's stellar at it, though she does have a few years on me. I usually know, but tend to give guys more of my time than I should, out of pity, curiosity or sheer boredom. What kills me, is guys that try to impress me with things I have no interest in. Granted, if I've just met you, it's somewhat understandable, but I'm pretty much an open book, so after a few hours, you should know your audience. I once had a guy pick me up for a date and after we got in his car and started driving, he made a reference to the car and somewhat arrogantly asked what I thought of it. "Oh." I asked, glancing uninterestedly around the interior, "What kind of car is this?", since I hadn't noticed and didn't really care. Apparently it was a Mercedes and apparently I was supposed to be impressed. Maybe that should have been his cue that I wasn't the gal for him, but alas he kept calling. A short list of things to say to me if you never want to see me naked:

"Do you want to see my collection of Samurai swords?"

"When I was a kid I used to shoot cats with bb guns."

"I talk to my mom at least 3 times a day."

"Wanna go burn one?"

Now, obviously these situations are relative. If I were out on a first or second date with someone who casually mentioned wanting to settle down and have babies, the only thing left in my chair would be a Jess-shaped silhouette of dust, left behind as I ran screaming down the street, whereas if my good friend "A" was on the same date, she'd be ordering another dirty martini and mentally doing period-math to figure out if she was ovulating. I'm certain there is someone out there for everyone, it's just a matter of trudging through a lot of wrong ones and almosts and maybes until you eventually find someone you truly adore...or can at least put up with for awhile.

Can I buy you a cup of coffee, or pay your mortgage?

I am exhausted. This summer has taken it's toll on me, both emotionally and physically. I've worked some very long hours and had a whole lot of fun. Some would say I've been "burning my candle at both ends" for awhile. Things I've learned: 1.) It is entirely possible to survive on a diet of caffeine, sugar, alcohol and cigarettes. 2.) If you sleep 15+ hours on your day off, it is then possible to function on a mere 3+ every other day of the week. 3.) If you do this long enough, you will eventually crash, realize 3 months have passed you by at an alarming speed and decide you need a vacation to an island in order to recover. This is where a sugar daddy would be quite convenient. I've often joked about wanting one and in fact, I and a few of my friends have had such "opportunities" present themselves over the years. Fortunately, we all have fairly high standards and are plagued with these pesky morals that keep us from submitting. Would it be nice to quit my jobs and instead spend my days shoe shopping, getting spa treatments, and sipping lattes? Yes. I think I would enjoy the hell out of that, but only for about a week or two. Then I would get bored, begin feeling useless, fall into a downward spiral of self-loathing and begin pining for the days when I was a tired, yet self-sufficient, slave to the masses. The larger dilemma, of course, is the implied sexual payback. My understanding is that those resort vacations and $90 facials, come at a price and the fact is, I can't stomach the idea of whoring myself out to some 50-something, overweight, pasty, boring business man. Ideally, when I happen upon the man of my dreams one of these days, perhaps as we both reach for the last bottle of '07 Seghesio Zin at the specialty wine shop, in a very meet-cute, Hollywood way, he will already have made his millions and he won't tell me at first because he'll want to make sure I love him for him and that I'm not just some gold digger. Of course, I'm not, so we will end up falling madly in love and moving into his amazing, yet humble Outer Banks beach house, which I will proceed to decorate with expensive wicker furniture and gauzy curtains that billow in the ocean breeze. But until then, I will continue to haul my tired ass to work every day with a smile on my face, because if nothing else, I have my pride and an intoxicating sense of possibility...