I remember when I first moved away from home. I was young, optimistic, chock-full of naivety and sass and leaving a fair amount of boy-baggage behind me, back east. The mental future I had laid out for myself was somewhat unconsciously inspired by the first half of every romantic-comedy movie ever produced. I intended to be a hip, single chic with a cool apartment, fun job, and great friends--maybe even a gay best friend. I'd go for walks in the park and sip lattes at some quaint little cafe while reading pretentious literature. It was going to be fantastic. Of course in every one of those damn movies, it's just a matter of time before the potential love interest arrives, turns that girl's life upside-down and shows her how to love again. Most of these movies irritate me because of glossed over problems and implied eternal bliss. They should make sequels to all of them, showing boy and girl's first fight over boy getting drunk with his buddies or girl forgetting to pay the electric bill. Oh the hijinks that ensue when boy forgets to take out the trash and girl accidentally shrinks boy's favorite T-shirt. Somehow I don't think the sequels would do as well at the box-office. Why? Because reality kind of sucks sometimes, but it is inevitable. Not every night can be spent holding hands ice-skating in the park, or sitting together in a bathtub for hours. And my understanding is that those nights spent making love until dawn on a bed of rose petals, eventually turn into "Okay, it's Wednesday, let's do this." and "For god's sake, would you put your dirty clothes in the hamper?!!" But I digress... My life was shaping up just like I'd pictured. The trouble is, much like in the movies, every time I found myself living the dream, some dude came along, swept me off my feet and fucked everything up. That's why from now on, I will not be allowing any fellas to romance me unless: A.) They are bravely battling a terminal illness and have fewer than 6 months to live.
B.) They have been my friend for years and I suddenly realize what I've wanted all along was right before my eyes.
C.) They are an attractive but lonely millionaire I meet turning tricks some night.
Anyone else can just keep moving...I've got to go volunteer at a nursing home, walk some dogs, take care of my sick dad/aunt/brother/whatever and finish my novel. I would prefer not to be distracted.
