The What Ifs will kill ya...

When summer began, I had 3 goals: Find a new apartment; Find a new car; Have an amazing summer fling. While the first 2 are in the process of coming to fruition, the 3rd continues to elude me. I am here to tell you, it is slim pickins. When you work as much as I do and see the same people, day in and day out, the chances of meeting some exotic stranger to take up with for a spell is easier said than done. Clearly I didn't work out the logistics of this when I set my goals. Add to that the sheer exhaustion I feel on my days off and the fact is, I haven't been actively searching.

My girls and I were sitting at the bar of our favorite watering hole a few weeks back, when we noticed a group of good-looking fellas sitting outside. I had my eye on one imparticular and as he passed by us on his way to the bathroom, smiles were exchanged as well as a coy, downward glance on my part. When he came back by a few minutes later, he stopped to chat and invited us to join him and his buddies out front. He was yummy and he was a cop (I have an inexplicable preoccupation with authority figures). After he walked away, my friend turned to me expectantly and said one word:

"Fling?"

I paused for a moment and pondered. Sure he was hot and he certainly seemed interested, but it would take a lot of energy to go out there and be charming and witty and try to figure out how to get him back to my place without seeming slutty... Quite honestly, all I really wanted to do was go home, eat my leftovers and watch Season 2 of Buffy, which is exactly what I did.

There are those who say:

"What if he was your soulmate and you chose cold pasta and vampire slaying over a chance at happiness?!"

'What ifs' and the people who suggest them, piss me off. I don't like alarmist tactics. If I stopped and wondered "What if?" every time I made a choice about something, I wouldn't have a moment's peace. I instead choose to follow my gut, and if Hot Cop had truly been the one for me, I'm certain my gut would have told me to man up and go make it happen.

"What if the man of your dreams is on Match.com, just waiting to meet you but you are too stubborn and romantic to join and post a profile?!" Interesting point, to which I counter:

"What if the next Charles Manson is on Match.com just waiting to whisk me off to his secluded cabin where he can chop me into pieces and make a collage out of my hair and toes?"

You can't live your life stressing about whether or not you should have gone here or done that. You have to do what feels right at the time and have faith that things will fall into place.

"What if you never find anyone to marry and have babies with?!?"

Well God forbid...That would be a tragedy, wouldn't it? Not everyone needs babies to be complete. I'm in no way knocking those who decide to procreate, in fact, the jury is still out on whether or not I want to try my hand at breeding, but regardless, I'm not going to cry myself to sleep at night worrying that it won't happen. So I end up a spinster, big deal. I'll get 17 more cats and buy a big scary house that kids are afraid to go trick-or-treating to--it'll be fine. I know I am doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, which is living and enjoying my life to the best of my ability and I feel okay about the constant uncertainty because how fun would life really be without the suspense?

Things aren't always what they seem...

When you are single, it's easy to look around, see nothing but couples and assume everyone on earth, except you, is having copious amounts of sex. What you don't see, is what actually goes on behind closed doors, which from what I've experienced myself and learned from informal research, often isn't much.

Quite a few years ago, a friend and I found ourselves simultaneously dating a drug addict and an alcoholic, respectively. Both of their "Mr. Hyde" personas were nice guys and decent boyfriends, yet as soon as their drug/drink of choice passed their lips, they became obnoxious, unbearable "Dr. Jekylls" who we couldn't stand to be around. She and I bonded as we masochistically rode that endless emotional roller coaster side-by-side and along the way, discovered we shared a dirty little secret: neither of us was getting any--even during the "good times". As 2 attractive, 24-year old girls, we were perpetually frustrated at having to beg our boyfriends for sex and as a result, began to question our appeal. Personally, my self-esteem was taking a huge hit. Obviously, in that particular situation, the addictions were probably playing a large role in their non-existent libidos, but after asking around a bit and talking to many other girl friends, I discovered we weren't alone. A few girls said it seemed like their boyfriends were always tired, or would rather play video games. However, one friend had a husband who wouldn't touch her, yet he had an internet porn addiction to the tune of $1000/month.

It's been suggested that some men have a disconnect with regard to sex vs. love (shocking, right?). The woman they love and who has given birth to their children cannot be thought of in a sexual way (at least not in a really dirty sexual way.) It's referred to as the "Madonna/Whore complex and I don't know all the psychology behind it, but I've heard it used to explain why guys get caught cheating with skanky trailer-trash, when they have a beautiful, willing, non-trashy wife at home. Perhaps the fear is that the woman they love and revere would be disgusted by their needs and fantasies, so rather than risk rejection or humiliation, they instead seek to fulfill their desires either with someone innocuous, or not at all, leaving everyone involved frustrated, angry and on the road to couples counseling.

Obviously this happens with women as well. I've dubbed the reverse phenomenon the "Provider/Player" complex. When a woman is in a relationship with a man, whether she wants to admit it or not, there is a certain amount of expectation that she will be protected and provided for in some capacity. This is a sliding scale depending on the woman, but at the very least, we typically require an equal partnership with some stability. If a man isn't taking care of his share of the bills, housework, childcare, etc., it's going to affect how the woman sees him. I've had guy friends ask me why it feels like they are always the ones initiating intimacy with their girlfriends or wives--that it feels like the women are completely apathetic, and only give in to the men's advances to appease them. I tell these guys to look at the big picture. The cliches of women not wanting sex because they are "tired" or "have a lot on their mind" could be more accurately translated as "How could I possibly desire you physically when I'm worried about the electricity being shut off because you haven't worked in a month?" It sounds silly, but speaking from experience, when you lose respect for/trust in your partner to provide simple comfort and reliability, passion goes quickly out the window. There is also the fear of being thought of as a whore if we share what we want (it goes both ways, you see) and it speaks volumes as to why I would let a virtual stranger tie me to a bed post, while rarely giving the love of my life much more than missionary...but I digress.

It all continues to make me ponder how anyone ends up getting together and even more perplexing, how anyone manages to stay together. I think I'll go read some Freud...