Fifty Shades of Crap....

I finished reading Fifty Shades Darker last night, the sequel to the best-selling Fifty Shades of Grey, and I literally threw it across the room in a fit of annoyance.  Where do I even begin... 

First of all, this blog is one giant spoiler, so if you haven't read this series and are still planning to, stop reading now.  Or, you could look at me as a book reviewer and let what I tell you determine whether or not you want to waste X amount of your precious time muddling through this pile of garbage yourself.  I'll leave it up to you.  

That being said, I originally bought the 1st book after seeing an SNL skit depicting various ladies getting caught reading it in very compromising positions.  I had heard a little about it and I thought "This will be some fun, light, escapist erotica to add to my summer reading list!"  And at first, it was.  

Then, about 1/2 way through the 1st book, I began noticing some things, like how poorly written it is.  Someone desperately needs to buy the author, (or more accurately her editor), a Thesaurus.  So help me God, if she uses the words: mercurial, taciturn or petulant one more F-ING time, I'm going to lose my shit.  Also, she consistently has people "muttering" or "mumbling", when just plain "saying" or "asking" things would suffice.  

Now, I know it must get tiresome trying to find new and exciting ways to describe orgasms when the couple (Ana and Christian) has had sex, like, 4,000 times, but please try!  Every blessed time, Ana is "spiraling out of control" and "shattering into a million pieces" as she "finds her release."  It's quite redundant, not to mention irritating.  As is the fact that this chic has an orgasm every single time they do it!!  Every time!  And she's always ready and willing... she's never tired; never has a headache or something better to do, nope! 

Not to mention, they've known each other a grand total of 5 weeks and somehow, in that time, Christian's deep-seated psychological issues have more or less vanished and now he wants a white picket fence?  And Ana, who is 22-years old, has never been in a relationship and was a virgin when they met, has decided he is the one and only?  Obviously, sex can be very powerful and I know I'm a total cynic when it comes to rushed romance, but really?  

I cannot remember the last time I rolled my eyes at every other paragraph in a book, except perhaps when I read the Twilight series.  In fact, recently someone mentioned to me that the Fifty... books were loosely based on or modeled after the Twilight books, which I totally see.  All supernatural nonsense aside, the characters are equally annoying, needy, co-dependent, controlling and dull.  

The real kicker is, I'm going to have to get the 3rd book because as frustrated as I was with the first 2, I am pretty much incapable of not finishing things I have started.  It's a curse.  Besides, I don't have 3 crappy books on a best seller list, so I know I might sound like a petulant child, but my mercurial temper needs to find it's release from time to time since I'm so taciturn in my day to day life. 

Fires and break-ups and birthdays, oh my!

It has been a doozy of a summer so far... Between my town being on fire for most of June, the back and forth break-up styling of my most recent beau and I, and in the middle of it all, my 34th birthday deciding to show up, it was basically the perfect storm of suck.  I have, of course, learned some things as a result of these events.  

First of all, I am quite terrified of fire, especially when it is more or less in my backyard.  
Secondly, I am not normally the type to get back together with someone after a break-up has been established.  But I'll tell you, there's nothing like a mandatory 2a.m. evacuation to bring a couple closer together.  
Lastly, I was apparently not prepared, mentally or emotionally, to be suddenly thrust into my mid-thirties.  

Everyone says I'm being silly and 'you're only as old as you feel', blah, blah, blah, but the fact is, I'm not where I thought I would be by this age.  Now, I have a tendency to over think things.  What?!  No... Not The Poor Man's Carrie Bradshaw I know, you say!  But it's true.  I have often wished I could be more fearless with regard to love and life decisions.  I have known people who have been married; divorced; remarried; and had a child, all in the time it takes me to decide whether or not to let the guy I'm seeing have a key to my apartment.  What can I say?  I'm cautious.  

But, I'm getting better... I'm still seeing my sweet, uncomplicated, man-child of a boyfriend, even though no one understands our relationship.  In fact, I've become aware that some people are downright annoyed by it.  

"You deserve better", says one of my bar regulars who has been trying to court me for awhile, but who I've repeatedly rebuffed.  To him I say:  That's great that you think so, but the fact is:  

• You don't know him at all.  
• You don't really know me either.  
• You may look good on paper, but I don't desire you.  I desire him.  

Life is too short to spend with someone whose presence doesn't set your heart and/or your pants on fire.