A good (and brutally honest) friend once told me that my blog posts, much like Ani Difranco's music, are not as good when I am happy. I assume she thinks they lack the sardonic, self-effacing edge that comes with being single and miserable. Not that I've ever really been miserable, but you know what I mean.
For the past 3 months, I've been floating along on a blissful little cloud, annoying the hell out of the people around me with my constant smiling and glazed-over eyes, and the dreamy, contented sighs that keep escaping my lips at random moments throughout the day. I can't help it... I'm in love. And since I am no longer afraid of jinxing it, you're gonna hear all about it...
I feel like new relationships are like a drug addiction. You start off just trying it out, seeing if it's something you might enjoy recreationally. Before you know it, you start to crave it. It becomes harder and harder to resist having it and it becomes an all-consuming desire. For someone like me, who is a self-proclaimed loner, this is a strange sensation. Suddenly, I want to spend every waking moment with this person. I want to crawl inside him and cozy up, and figure out what makes him tick, what he loves, and who and what made him into the person lying next to me that I can't stop touching. There is also the hilarity that comes with the newness... for example, slipping your last name into casual conversation so as not to make it awkward that you've had your tongues in each other's mouths, yet you don't know each other's surnames. Then there is the 45 minutes it takes to compose every text I send, making sure it is not just witty and smart, but also that it is spelled correctly, punctuated properly, and winky-face emoticons have not been overused.
Once you get a month or so under your belt, it gets a little easier and more fun. About this time, I personally enjoy tossing around the "b" word when talking with friends and co-workers. "Oh yeah" I'll say, nodding knowingly "my boyfriend gets heartburn from time to time as well." Or, "Speaking of electric eels, my boyfriend told me the funniest story the other day..." Regardless whether or not anyone has mentioned eels, electric or otherwise.
Obviously, I've been in love before. I've been writing about my various exes for years. Now I'm beginning to wonder if all of my journaling therapy has led me to this man. My whole life, I've heard happily married people say things like: "When it's right, you just know." Well, he and I are three months in, and I knew after a week and a half that I was done looking. And if there was any remaining doubt, it was completely erased a few days later when we kissed for the first time.
He smells like pine trees, diesel, soap and manliness. I am powerless against this. The pillow-smelling antics that occur after he leaves my house in the morning are comical. He works harder than anyone I've ever met; is humble and genuine and does not take himself too seriously. He is hilariously sarcastic, strong yet gentle and an amazing dad to his two kids. I've always joked about how I wished I could fashion together a voo-doo doll-type boy made up of all the best qualities of all my exes...ask and ye shall receive?
Now, don't get me wrong, he is not without his faults. There is a significant amount of ex/mother-of-his-kids baggage on board this train. Not to mention, the man works endlessly and is therefore exhausted 99% of the time. Unfortunately, the little time we have together is usually a few nights a week after I get off work, which is typically 2 hours or so after his normal bed time. I realized the other day, he is basically a Gremlin. I can't give him food or water or get him wet (i.e. let him take a shower) after midnight, though instead of turning into a demon, he will just fall asleep. Like, instantly. I'm not entirely certain he's not narcoleptic.
Our work schedules are far from conducive to nurturing a budding romance, but the thing is, I don't care. In the past, I have always had a tendency to over-think and over-analyze things. I would often worry too much about the future and as a result, act like a crazy person in the present. This time, though, everything just feels different. There are so many things we don't know about each other...probably some pretty major things, but the fundamentals are there and so is the love and the trust. As far as I'm concerned, I know all I need to know. I would marry him tomorrow if he asked me, and I would happily spend every day for the rest of my life, learning the details.
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