I shall continue to rant until I get answers...

I am a pretty positive, optimistic person 99% of the time, but I've had a rough couple of days, so this is what you get. I'll admit it... I don't "put myself out there" very often and here's why: a.) I'm not really looking for a relationship right now. b.) It's a scary world. People lie and misrepresent themselves daily. It's just a matter of time until I let myself trust someone, get comfortable with them, then find a baggie full of fingernail clippings in their medicine cabinet. I'd just assume save myself the restraining order and go with my gut from the beginning. Once in awhile, though, I will meet someone and open myself up to the possibility of dating them and do you want to know what I find? A sweet guy who brings me flowers, is actually a 45 -year old stoner who lives in a van. (Oh, and he stole the flowers.) Aces. A cute guy who comes to my bar and enjoys telling me how beautiful I am and that we should exchange emails so we can "chat" some night, actually has a home, wife (and probably a dog), in the Philippines. Outstanding. Are these really my choices? And it doesn't end there... One of my friends has been accidently dating closeted gay men for years. Then there are the newly-divorced-think-they're-ready-to-date-but-aren't guys, the ones with psycho exes stalking them, the manic-depressives, the drunks, the felons, and the racists. The other thing I'm sick of is all the half-assed, luke-warm sentiment from the somewhat decent ones that have potential. Supposedly, you love me and think I'm wonderful, but instead of making that clear to me and declaring your intentions, you pussy-foot around and act like a douche until I lose interest. Fantastic. Where are the grand gestures? So help me God, if I ever end up married, it will be to the guy who stands outside my bedroom window holding a boombox over his head blaring "In your eyes" by Peter Gabriel. Actually, on second thought, it doesn't even need to be that song... any Monster Ballad from the 80's will work equally well, if not better, and any guy worth my time would know that.

I wonder if she likes me???

The other night I was out with some friends, having a few beers after work. My good friend "S" was introduced to a fella whom she was instantly attracted to. All the surface details were intact: tall, big frame, tattooed, bald. That's her bag, so she decided to chat him up a bit and see where the night led. Unfortunately, after talking for just a few minutes, he did something so many guys tend to do. In what I can only assume was an attempt at humor toward a girl he assumed would laugh, he referred to herbal remedies as "magical-Lord-of-the-Rings-bullshit". Now, while I find this hysterical (even though I too, partake of herbal remedies for what ails me) she was instantly put off. To make matters worse, when we exited the bar at the end of the night, I watched the guy take the last cigarette out of his pack, crumple the pack in his hand and throw it directly on the ground in front of him. I thought my die-hard environmentalist friend's head was actually going to explode. An innocent remark that backfires is one thing, but blatant littering? Oh hell no. This is why my friend refuses to date. Call it 'the perils of acute self-awareness', but I feel her pain. She and I and many others I know, can usually tell within five minutes of meeting someone, whether or not it's worth our time to continue talking to them for another five. She's stellar at it, though she does have a few years on me. I usually know, but tend to give guys more of my time than I should, out of pity, curiosity or sheer boredom. What kills me, is guys that try to impress me with things I have no interest in. Granted, if I've just met you, it's somewhat understandable, but I'm pretty much an open book, so after a few hours, you should know your audience. I once had a guy pick me up for a date and after we got in his car and started driving, he made a reference to the car and somewhat arrogantly asked what I thought of it. "Oh." I asked, glancing uninterestedly around the interior, "What kind of car is this?", since I hadn't noticed and didn't really care. Apparently it was a Mercedes and apparently I was supposed to be impressed. Maybe that should have been his cue that I wasn't the gal for him, but alas he kept calling. A short list of things to say to me if you never want to see me naked:

"Do you want to see my collection of Samurai swords?"

"When I was a kid I used to shoot cats with bb guns."

"I talk to my mom at least 3 times a day."

"Wanna go burn one?"

Now, obviously these situations are relative. If I were out on a first or second date with someone who casually mentioned wanting to settle down and have babies, the only thing left in my chair would be a Jess-shaped silhouette of dust, left behind as I ran screaming down the street, whereas if my good friend "A" was on the same date, she'd be ordering another dirty martini and mentally doing period-math to figure out if she was ovulating. I'm certain there is someone out there for everyone, it's just a matter of trudging through a lot of wrong ones and almosts and maybes until you eventually find someone you truly adore...or can at least put up with for awhile.

Can I buy you a cup of coffee, or pay your mortgage?

I am exhausted. This summer has taken it's toll on me, both emotionally and physically. I've worked some very long hours and had a whole lot of fun. Some would say I've been "burning my candle at both ends" for awhile. Things I've learned: 1.) It is entirely possible to survive on a diet of caffeine, sugar, alcohol and cigarettes. 2.) If you sleep 15+ hours on your day off, it is then possible to function on a mere 3+ every other day of the week. 3.) If you do this long enough, you will eventually crash, realize 3 months have passed you by at an alarming speed and decide you need a vacation to an island in order to recover. This is where a sugar daddy would be quite convenient. I've often joked about wanting one and in fact, I and a few of my friends have had such "opportunities" present themselves over the years. Fortunately, we all have fairly high standards and are plagued with these pesky morals that keep us from submitting. Would it be nice to quit my jobs and instead spend my days shoe shopping, getting spa treatments, and sipping lattes? Yes. I think I would enjoy the hell out of that, but only for about a week or two. Then I would get bored, begin feeling useless, fall into a downward spiral of self-loathing and begin pining for the days when I was a tired, yet self-sufficient, slave to the masses. The larger dilemma, of course, is the implied sexual payback. My understanding is that those resort vacations and $90 facials, come at a price and the fact is, I can't stomach the idea of whoring myself out to some 50-something, overweight, pasty, boring business man. Ideally, when I happen upon the man of my dreams one of these days, perhaps as we both reach for the last bottle of '07 Seghesio Zin at the specialty wine shop, in a very meet-cute, Hollywood way, he will already have made his millions and he won't tell me at first because he'll want to make sure I love him for him and that I'm not just some gold digger. Of course, I'm not, so we will end up falling madly in love and moving into his amazing, yet humble Outer Banks beach house, which I will proceed to decorate with expensive wicker furniture and gauzy curtains that billow in the ocean breeze. But until then, I will continue to haul my tired ass to work every day with a smile on my face, because if nothing else, I have my pride and an intoxicating sense of possibility...

But he's a really mature 17...

Because I work in the restaurant industry, I find myself constantly surrounded by attractive, yet for various reasons, completely unavailable guys. There are the irresponsible slacker types, who spend their entire paycheck at the bar within 2 days, then spend the next 2 weeks bumming cigarettes until payday comes back around. Then there are the CommCorr guys, who are super nice, usually pretty hot, have sweet prison tattoos and a somewhat exciting air of danger about them. Yet, the fact is, they have a state-imposed curfew and must pee in a cup every night when they get "home". But, the most frustrating of all, has got to be "Jailbait". In restaurants, there is never a shortage of cocky, young high-school kids employed to wash dishes, bus tables and perform every other menial task that few functioning adults would ever consider doing for minimum wage. Now, I would never seriously entertain the idea of actually going after any of these adorable, impressionable young men--that would be sick and wrong--but, I have told more than one of them to look me up in 10 years when they are in their 20's and I am a full-blown cougar, at which point it will be, well, less weird. There is one young man imparticular, who has me cursing the universe every day, for bringing him into this world when I was freshman in high school. He is gorgeous, funny, sweet and built like a brick shit-house. He could throw me across a room and I know this because the other night I was apparently in his way, so he picked me up and moved me out of it. Grrr. Damn my parents for teaching me to have morals and a sense of decency. I think more than anything, these boys make me nostalgic for the guys I hung out with in high school and their presence provides a steady stream of amusement for me. From their torn metal T-shirts, down to their painted black fingernails, each one is a surreal blend of the guy I grew up with, my gay ex-boyfriend, and the boy who moved in down the street from me my sophmore year. They have that awkward coolness about them that I've always found so endearing. In a time when all the guys my age are beginning to go pre-maturely bald, or are loaded down with an assortment of baggage resulting from 20's-induced, poor decision making, it's refreshing to be surrounded by their naivete. Everything is new to them and much like I did when I was that age, they think they are quite clever. The other day, one of the more brazen 17-year old dishwashers approached me and said: "Hey Jess, if I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?" Precious, I know. I smiled and told him I'd been using that line since he was in diapers.

Blogs are meant for ranting, right?

I'm having some issues...I don't like being the person who bitches about the same shit so much that no one wants to be around me. And honestly, I feel like I've been pretty good about picking a select few people to spew my crazy all over lately, but this is an attempt to get it all out for good, so that I can stop wasting precious energy on a situation that doesn't deserve my time. So, it's official: the boy who I spent most of the summer with and the girl who has taken over my life, are together. Thank you Facebook for confirming this fact and delivering yet another emotional drop kick to the stomach. The crazy thing is, I'm not jealous. I didn't want to be his girlfriend... I knew on some level that would be a disaster, which is why I never allowed things to become too serious or defined. What hurts, is that he said he didn't want that either, yet clearly, he just didn't want it with me. I don't expect much from people, and I don't typically ask much of them. All I ever want is for people to be straightforward with me. I am painfully honest, perhaps to a fault, and there is nothing I hate more than feeling like I've been lied to, deceived, or duped. That is what is killing me right now. All "extracurricular" activities aside, he and I were friends and I never thought he would be anything less than completely honest with me about anything! I gave him so many opportunities to own up to what he wanted and to tell me what was going on. I point blank told him that if he wanted to date/sleep with Single White Female girl, or any other girl for that matter, he should just tell me and I'd take a step back. He insisted he didn't and that they were just friends/he wasn't interested/she wanted more than he could give her, blah blah blah. Well, congratulations on getting everything you said you didn't want! I just don't get why people say one thing then do another. He is an especially frustrating case because although we are on okay terms right now, if there is any chance of us salvaging the friendship we had, I'm going to need him to admit that he acted like both a coward and a lying piece of shit and I don't really see that happening. I'm not sure I've ever met anyone more confused with and less in command of their own life. If nothing else, I know I will move past my hurt feelings and anger because I suck at holding grudges and life is too short to dwell on insignificant crap that can't be changed. At least now, I can focus on surrounding myself with things that are actually good for me instead of wasting my time on these pleasant little distractions that bring me nothing but drama and blog material. Okay, well, maybe I'll hold onto a few of my distractions...

Some people have 'Penthouse', I have baseball...

Ah summer...long, lazy days spent lying in the sun by the pool; warm nights spent relaxing on patios, sipping sangria. Well, I'd imagine that's what some people's summers are like. People who don't work ungodly hours in a restaurant like I do. Regardless of my schedule, I have managed to have some good fun this summer, including attending two MLB games. One in my home state to watch my Phills blow it, and one in my new home state to see the Rockies kick the crap out of the Cubs. I am a fan. Baseball is one of the few sports I understand and enjoy, thanks to my tom-boy phase around the age of 12 or so. Back then, I collected baseball cards and relished in bonding with my dad and brother while watching Lenny Dykstra steal bases and spit chew. While I still enjoy the bonding aspect and the sport itself, I will admit I now tune in for the ridiculously hot players. When my friend and I went to the Phillies game back in May, she bought seats along the right field line for 2 very specific reasons; 1.) So we'd have a chance at catching foul balls when the lefties were batting. 2.) So we could watch our future husbands (Jayson Werth and Placido Polanco respectively) do their pre-game warm-up stretching. It was money well spent. I only found out later that the entire starting lineup is already happily married. So, I have a new plan... begin attending Colorado Sky Sox games on the regular and scope out some of the minor league boys. Sure, most of them are 10 years my junior, but so what? We've all seen 'Bull Durham'... I am just as hot as Susan Sarandon! I am going to find myself a nice, respectable minor leaguer and ride his coat tails to the top. The whole idea intrigues me... they travel a lot for away games, so he wouldn't be all up in my business all the time and when he is home, we can make up for lost time. Plus, they're in good shape, make good money and have goals. That's more than I can say for most of the dudes I currently know. I will put my plan into action beginning next week. Until then, Ryan Spilborghs, if you are reading this and you like what you see, shoot me an email and we'll go talk stats over beers and if you're not interested, please pass my info along to Miguel Olivo....

Even the best "laid" plans...

So, I recently got blindsided by a situation I thought was potentially harmless. It was my own fault, really, because I broke my own rule: Never try to have a casual, physical relationship with someone you actually care about. I know this. You can't involve emotions and expect things to not get complicated, yet that's exactly what I did. One of my best friends and I spent the entire month of June and most of July together. I had just returned from my month long, soul-searching road trip, was crashing at a friends' house and feeling somewhat lost and vulnerable. He had just broken up with his long-term girlfriend and was feeling much the same way. Like attracts like, and we just sort of fell into each other... It was one of the best months of my life and his, according to him. We attempted numerous times, to talk about what was happening and what exactly we were doing, but seeing as how we are both commitment-phobic, emotionally-crippled Cancers who share a brain, we came to no real conclusions and figured we would just see what happened. Unfortunately, what happened is jealousy, territoriality and hurt feelings made themselves known. Another girl entered the picture; a girl who has taken over every aspect of my life single-white-female style, including both my jobs. When she decided to set her sights on my whatever-the-hell-he-is-to-me, I kind of lost it. I don't have violent thoughts about people often, yet I found myself wanting to rip her face off so I could sew it to her ass, then kick it. In her very slight defense, she was not privy to what was happening with him and I........at first. So, what's done is done. He is an attention-whore, and she is who is paying attention to him now. Meanwhile, I am left wondering why I chose to spend that much time and energy on something I knew would likely end up in confusion and some form of heartache. The best answer I can come up with is that it felt good, provided a temporary escape from my crazy, unsettled life of late, and re-enforced in my mind what it is I actually want. Or at the very least, what I don't want.