Ooh baby, it's a wild world...

When I was 26, I made the incredibly difficult decision to leave a somewhat abusive relationship with an alcoholic that I'd been involved with for over 3 years. I realized he was never going to change and unless I wanted to continue spending every night looking out the window, wondering when or if he was going to stumble home, I needed to call it quits and move on. I was young and had my whole life ahead of me and many oats to sow. Very shortly after, I started seeing someone who I thought was going to be an oat, but who turned into a 5 year relationship. When that didn't work out, something inside me clicked and I made the hasty, emotionally-driven and let's face it, cliched decision to swear off men completely. I actually found myself speaking the words: "I don't even like sex that much and I think I can live the rest of my life without having it anymore." Yes, at the ripe old age of 30, I was ready to embrace spinsterhood in all it's bitter, cat-collecting glory.

Then I went on an impromptu vacation to Vegas with some girlfriends. What began as a simple girls weekend involving spa treatments and lounging by the pool, turned into what is now fondly referred to as: "How Jess got her groove back." In the span of 2 hours, I went from crying into my champagne cocktail and complaining about my ex, to meeting a cute concert promoter in the casino and driving to the Hoover Dam to have sex in the back of his Mercedes. What was perhaps not the most intelligent decision in hindsight (since he could have been an axe murderer), nonetheless proved to be a catalyst toward owning my newfound freedom. When I returned from that fateful trip, it was with a renewed passion in my soul. I spent that first summer apart from my ex, sowing some long-suppressed oats and having the time of my life.

It was during this phase, however, that I discovered just how strange dudes can be.

Lesson 1.) Guys lie.

This is something that should have been obvious, but which I still find confounding, maybe because I don't lie. I heard things like: "My girlfriend and I broke up. It just wasn't working out and you are sooo awesome." The truth of course being: "My girlfriend is insane and I am an idiot. We break up every 3 days or so, and if she finds out you and I slept together, you might want to leave the country."

Lesson 2.) People misrepresent their intentions.

I'll never forget when I agreed to go to dinner with an old co-worker I hadn't seen in years, but who found me through the miracle of facebook. I was not attracted to him in any way, but thought it would be fun to catch up. I stated from the start that this was a "friend date" and nothing more, to which he agreed, yet he continually tried to kiss me over the course of the night. I don't like to be mean, but short of saying "If you try to stick your tongue in my mouth again, I WILL throw up on you", how could I have been more clear?

Lesson 3.) You never know what you're gonna get.

You meet a nice, attractive guy. You go out a few times and have a good time. Then you spend an entire afternoon cleaning and disinfecting your carpet because he is prone to sleep-walking and at 3 a.m. the previous night, he unconsciously thought your bedroom closet was the bathroom. Yes, it happened.

Dating is a gamble, and one I'm quickly losing energy and motivation for. It's experiences like these that make me want to expedite the process of moving to a cabin in the woods and becoming a recluse. Though if I did, I'm sure it would just be a matter of time before the grizzled old mountain man from the next cave over came knocking on my door with a jug of moonshine in his hand and a glimmer in his eye...