Everywhere I look...babies. Perhaps it's because I live in a military town, but I swear you can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting a pregnant chic. They're in restaurants, movie theaters, and most often, clothing stores. Struttin' around with their adorable little basketball bellies, trying on maternity sundresses and stretchy pants.
I've always loved pregnant bellies. I am the psycho that accosts women in the grocery store to tell them how beautiful they look, all fat and waddling around. In fact, if I were a dude, my obsession would be down-right creepy. I have dressed up pregnant for Halloween three times, jokingly saying it was the scariest costume I could think of.
I've never considered myself "baby-crazy". In fact, children kind of freak me out. So, I have never put much stock in the whole 'biological clock' thing, but recently, it feels like the universe is shouting at me: "Hey lady! You ain't gettin' any younger! Shit or get off the pot!" (Apparently, I picture the universe as a hot-tempered, Italian-American cab driver.)
For years, when asked if I wanted kids, my party line has been "Well, the jury is still out... perhaps if I meet the right guy?" Lately though, I feel like my whole 'maybe-when-the-time-is-right' attitude, is quickly devolving into 'it's-now-or-never', as I'm bombarded with horror stories and statistics about older woman conceiving.
Now, I also hear it's helpful if there is a dude around to get this ball rolling, and as of late, there is no dude. I finally called it quits with the man-child boyfriend due in large part to my recent soul-searching. The irony of my life, of course, is that I broke up with him because he doesn't want children, nor is he in any way capable of the stability required to undertake such things even if he did. Yet, I will probably spend the next 6 months mourning our relationship and in doing so, waste that much more time not finding someone who does want the same things I do.
Sure, it has occurred to me over the years that the right man/time/circumstance might never present itself, so like any smart planner, I had some back-ups in place. You know, guy friends I made pacts with so that if it got to this point, we would pop out a baby or two together. The problem is, my back-ups are a couple of suckers that keep getting girlfriends or getting married. Clearly, I did not think these plans through....
I don't want to end up as a crazy lady who walks up to random men on the street who have straight teeth and full heads of hair and asks if they'd be interested in knocking me up. So, I suppose I need to just settle down and keep believing, as I have my whole life, that things will work out the way they're supposed to. And if, at age 37, I'm still telling myself this, then bring on the turkey baster.
1. You're awesome.
ReplyDelete2. I get this. I recently called my mother, terrified, because after years of stating I'd never have kids, I found myself reconsidering, and even perhaps, possibly, a little excited about the idea? I think it's the 30s, this decade is awesome, but it's really challenging my solid 20s 'anti' identity!
3. Keep writing. :)
I'm glad to hear I'm not alone! ;)
Delete