Together we'll break these chains of love...

It has been over a year now, since my heart was last broken. That scarcely seems possible, yet when I think about everything that has happened in this past year, it blows my mind even more. Said heartbreaker is now shacking up with the girl he ditched me for and although I am legitimately over him, there are still times when I feel a tug on the old heartstrings. I watch them kiss hello or hold hands and I think "at least he's happy" and I'm happy for him, but then I think "why haven't I been able to find the same thing?" It's as though he's moved on and so has everyone else from my past, yet I'm still kicking it in emotional limbo. My mind is still trying to tell me I don't want anything serious with anyone, but my body and heart are screaming for an outlet for my lust and emotions. (A healthier outlet than what I've been using, anyway-more on that another time).

Honestly, all it would take is for me to stop being an idiot and take a chance... Every Friday afternoon at work, I give myself whiplash looking out the window every 2 minutes waiting for a specific delivery truck, which has a specific driver (a.k.a. my future husband), so I can make sure I am the one available to sign for the order. The problem is, I have approximately 30-45 seconds each week to make him fall in love with me and I get so nervous, I end up sounding like a functionally retarded person with a stutter. Sure, I have a winning smile and an ass that won't quit, but one of these days I'm going to have to have a conversation with him. Then there's the cute bartender across the street, who unfortunately used to be pretty good friends with my ex. They don't hang out anymore, but I think it might still be a "bros before hos" situation. Of course, I'll never know unless I try, but I am too skittish to try.

The most absurd thing of all is I'm not sure what scares me more: rejection or acceptance. Rejection is a little easier to get over since you can't really miss what you never had. But, if something were to begin with one of these butterfly-inducing studs, I am afraid of what I would become. I don't always like myself in relationships. To paraphrase a quote from a movie I recently saw "...if we were in a relationship, I'd become this weird, scary version of myself I don't like..." I'd like to think I am far more self-aware now than I was in the past, but there is really no telling what I'm capable of given the right (or wrong) circumstances. My first serious relationship left me bitter, angry, resentful and mistrustful of most people. That man could ignite a rage in me I didn't know existed--to my knowledge, I'd never thrown a coffee table across the living room before meeting him, nor have I since leaving. My last relationship brought my OCD to new levels of weirdness. Since I felt so powerless in every other way, the only thing I felt I could control was my surroundings and they were spotlessly clean and organized.

Logic and experience tell me I would certainly spot the warning signs more quickly the next time and get out before getting too involved and falling in love, but I'm not 100% confident of that. Regardless, I'm going to start taking chances because if I don't find someone to snuggle with soon, I'm going to lose my shit.