Quite a few years ago, a friend and I found ourselves simultaneously dating a drug addict and an alcoholic, respectively. Both of their "Mr. Hyde" personas were nice guys and decent boyfriends, yet as soon as their drug/drink of choice passed their lips, they became obnoxious, unbearable "Dr. Jekylls" who we couldn't stand to be around. She and I bonded as we masochistically rode that endless emotional roller coaster side-by-side and along the way, discovered we shared a dirty little secret: neither of us was getting any--even during the "good times". As 2 attractive, 24-year old girls, we were perpetually frustrated at having to beg our boyfriends for sex and as a result, began to question our appeal. Personally, my self-esteem was taking a huge hit. Obviously, in that particular situation, the addictions were probably playing a large role in their non-existent libidos, but after asking around a bit and talking to many other girl friends, I discovered we weren't alone. A few girls said it seemed like their boyfriends were always tired, or would rather play video games. However, one friend had a husband who wouldn't touch her, yet he had an internet porn addiction to the tune of $1000/month.
It's been suggested that some men have a disconnect with regard to sex vs. love (shocking, right?). The woman they love and who has given birth to their children cannot be thought of in a sexual way (at least not in a really dirty sexual way.) It's referred to as the "Madonna/Whore complex and I don't know all the psychology behind it, but I've heard it used to explain why guys get caught cheating with skanky trailer-trash, when they have a beautiful, willing, non-trashy wife at home. Perhaps the fear is that the woman they love and revere would be disgusted by their needs and fantasies, so rather than risk rejection or humiliation, they instead seek to fulfill their desires either with someone innocuous, or not at all, leaving everyone involved frustrated, angry and on the road to couples counseling.
Obviously this happens with women as well. I've dubbed the reverse phenomenon the "Provider/Player" complex. When a woman is in a relationship with a man, whether she wants to admit it or not, there is a certain amount of expectation that she will be protected and provided for in some capacity. This is a sliding scale depending on the woman, but at the very least, we typically require an equal partnership with some stability. If a man isn't taking care of his share of the bills, housework, childcare, etc., it's going to affect how the woman sees him. I've had guy friends ask me why it feels like they are always the ones initiating intimacy with their girlfriends or wives--that it feels like the women are completely apathetic, and only give in to the men's advances to appease them. I tell these guys to look at the big picture. The cliches of women not wanting sex because they are "tired" or "have a lot on their mind" could be more accurately translated as "How could I possibly desire you physically when I'm worried about the electricity being shut off because you haven't worked in a month?" It sounds silly, but speaking from experience, when you lose respect for/trust in your partner to provide simple comfort and reliability, passion goes quickly out the window. There is also the fear of being thought of as a whore if we share what we want (it goes both ways, you see) and it speaks volumes as to why I would let a virtual stranger tie me to a bed post, while rarely giving the love of my life much more than missionary...but I digress.
It all continues to make me ponder how anyone ends up getting together and even more perplexing, how anyone manages to stay together. I think I'll go read some Freud...
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