Reality vs Fantasy

The human brain is complicated. The female human brain, I've decided, is even more complex and at times, so filled with crazy it's difficult to function. Personally, I spend so much of my day in fantasy land, it's hard to concentrate on what's happening right in front of me. I can't speak for all girls, but I have a habit of letting my mind wander and as a result, I end up having these elaborate, detailed, stream-of-consciousness fantasies. I've always done this, and I wonder how many others do the same. I remember as far back as high school, when I met this one boy during my "goth" phase. He was so dark and mysterious and depressed--I was certain he was my soul-mate. We first got together at a friend's house, when I ever-so-casually mentioned I had never had a hickey and I wondered what it was like. He very shyly volunteered to show me and for the next 3 months, we spent our weekends at our friend's house making out. Sure, we barely knew each other, but in my mind we were going to continue our love affair on the weekends until we could both save up enough money to move in together. We would live in an old, abandoned warehouse that had been converted into loft apartments. We would sit around reading comics and listening to Nine Inch Nails. We would get married in a cemetery at midnight, wearing matching black cloaks. Our children would wear little black onesies and only go out to play at night, and when they asked their daddy how we fell in love, he would say: "Well you see kids, your mother had never had a hickey..." A few years later, when I was in the midst of an on-again/off-again relationship with another boy, part of me was certain that someday we would be on-again for good... The ceremony would be held in a small church in the country. He would wear a tan suit and I would wear a flowing, cream-colored peasant dress and daisies in my hair. We would sit around eating Ben and Jerry's mint-chocolate cookie ice cream and watching MST3K reruns. He would get a job at the local college as an English professor and I would be a stay at home mom to our two extremely intelligent and artistic children. On Sundays we would go to his parents house for brunch after church, then spend the afternoon grading his students' papers and helping our kids with their homework.

I think this tendency of mine to form these fantasies, is part of the reason people have a difficult time living up to my expectations in reality. It's really hard to control, though, and I find myself doing it not just for people I'm in a relationship with, but people I barely know too. One night at work, a lady I know from around town came in with a couple who was visiting from out of state. As I brought their drinks, she mentioned that this couple had a son who was single. According to them, he was handsome, close to my age and an outdoorsy type who enjoys hunting... perhaps I would like to meet him the next time he comes to town? I laughed nervously and politely declined, however, I was already forming a visual of him and mentally coming up with new and delicious ways to cook venison and elk. After they had finished their dinners and left, I went to clear the table and actually had the thought: "Wow, my future in-laws are really good tippers." Then I proceeded to laugh out loud at myself.

Although my fantasies are usually person-specific, there are some things that are a constant. For example, if I do ever end up getting married, I've always wanted it to be an outside ceremony. I've always wanted to walk down the aisle to 'Fade into You' by Mazzy Star and I've always wanted our first dance as husband and wife, to be to 'We Belong' by Pat Benetar. That is probably why when I went out with the cute, health-food store guy awhile back and he mentioned he was a fan of Pat Benetar, I assumed we were soul-mates and was understandably perplexed when he never called me again. I guess I just need to be careful about keeping reality and fantasy separate, though not completely, because I am convinced that someday I will meet someone who has a pet named Falcor, or who enjoys the band Cinderella as much as I do, or who doesn't mind watching re-runs of Friends for the 350th time, because then I will know everything happening in my head will eventually come to fruition.