I don't know if I Do, but I might...

In my soon-to-be 32 years of life, I've yet to have the "pleasure" of being a bridesmaid. I've managed to dodge this bullet so far, by a.) surrounding myself with perpetually single, like-minded people who refuse to settle, and b.) by living inconveniently far away from a lot of people I know. I have, however, attended numerous weddings in the last 10+ years. Some were beautiful and memorable, others I've been trying to forget ever since. (That actually sounds a lot like my dating history...) Regardless of who it is that's getting married, or how well I know them, you can be sure I will be doing 2 things during the ceremony: crying like a baby during the vows and silently judging their wedding planning skills while mentally picturing what my own wedding will include. (Plated dinners, cash bar and silk flowers have no place in my world... Champagne fountains, candlelight and all-night dancing, do.) This may come as a surprise to those who don't know me well, but I'm really not anti-marriage. In fact, you might even say I am a closet romantic. I adore the idea of soul-mates, I always have, but I'm also a realist. I'll be the first to admit that when a good friend of mine from high school decided to get married shortly after graduation, I was skeptical. Actually, I was flat-out against it. I thought it was a horrible idea to get married so young, before having experienced life. But now, 12 years later, they are still together, have two beautiful boys and are so in love it's ridiculous. When my little brother tied the knot 5 years ago, I was an absolute wreck. As he put it, "I'm surprised you were able to see the ceremony through your wall of tears". My family is still making fun of me to this day, but I was just so unbelievably happy for them! I was also in love at the time, which I've always likened to having an emotional open wound. When you're that blissfully happy and all those loving feelings are bubbling to the surface all the time, all your other emotions are bound to become uncontrollable as well. The one wedding that was a glaring exception to most others I've been to, occurred 3 years ago. It was a sweltering July evening in rural Pennsylvania. I, along with two close friends, had flown in to attend the wedding of our once good friend "T". He also happened to be an ex-boyfriend, as well as my "first love". During the ceremony, I recall my friend turning to me and asking if I was okay, as though she expected me to burst into tears at any second and throw myself across the alter, screaming "You should be marrying me!!" If it had been 10 years earlier, that would have been a distinct possibility, but that was no longer the case, I assure you. In fact, tears were the last thing I was choking back during that debacle. I've neglected to mention that in the years since high school, "T" had become a bit of a "religious zealot" (to put it nicely) or a "born-again Christian nut-job" (to put it honestly). When, in the middle of the ceremony, the minister began pontificating about the evils of gay marriage and how it's ruining the sanctity of traditional marriage, I thought the three of us were going to lose it. I turned to my friend at that point and asked if she felt like making out, but she declined. So, you can perhaps see why my emotions did not get the best of me in that instance, since I was expending a lot of energy trying not to throw up/laugh/walk out. The reception was not much better since it was both dry and music-free, which to my understanding, is the exact opposite of what receptions are supposed to be, but I digress. I'm certain my luck won't last forever. One of these years, my smart, beautiful, amazing girlfriends will start meeting guys who are worthy of them and my ill-fitting, odd-colored, satin dress-free existence will come to an end...I feel okay about that.