Fifty Shades of Crap....

I finished reading Fifty Shades Darker last night, the sequel to the best-selling Fifty Shades of Grey, and I literally threw it across the room in a fit of annoyance.  Where do I even begin... 

First of all, this blog is one giant spoiler, so if you haven't read this series and are still planning to, stop reading now.  Or, you could look at me as a book reviewer and let what I tell you determine whether or not you want to waste X amount of your precious time muddling through this pile of garbage yourself.  I'll leave it up to you.  

That being said, I originally bought the 1st book after seeing an SNL skit depicting various ladies getting caught reading it in very compromising positions.  I had heard a little about it and I thought "This will be some fun, light, escapist erotica to add to my summer reading list!"  And at first, it was.  

Then, about 1/2 way through the 1st book, I began noticing some things, like how poorly written it is.  Someone desperately needs to buy the author, (or more accurately her editor), a Thesaurus.  So help me God, if she uses the words: mercurial, taciturn or petulant one more F-ING time, I'm going to lose my shit.  Also, she consistently has people "muttering" or "mumbling", when just plain "saying" or "asking" things would suffice.  

Now, I know it must get tiresome trying to find new and exciting ways to describe orgasms when the couple (Ana and Christian) has had sex, like, 4,000 times, but please try!  Every blessed time, Ana is "spiraling out of control" and "shattering into a million pieces" as she "finds her release."  It's quite redundant, not to mention irritating.  As is the fact that this chic has an orgasm every single time they do it!!  Every time!  And she's always ready and willing... she's never tired; never has a headache or something better to do, nope! 

Not to mention, they've known each other a grand total of 5 weeks and somehow, in that time, Christian's deep-seated psychological issues have more or less vanished and now he wants a white picket fence?  And Ana, who is 22-years old, has never been in a relationship and was a virgin when they met, has decided he is the one and only?  Obviously, sex can be very powerful and I know I'm a total cynic when it comes to rushed romance, but really?  

I cannot remember the last time I rolled my eyes at every other paragraph in a book, except perhaps when I read the Twilight series.  In fact, recently someone mentioned to me that the Fifty... books were loosely based on or modeled after the Twilight books, which I totally see.  All supernatural nonsense aside, the characters are equally annoying, needy, co-dependent, controlling and dull.  

The real kicker is, I'm going to have to get the 3rd book because as frustrated as I was with the first 2, I am pretty much incapable of not finishing things I have started.  It's a curse.  Besides, I don't have 3 crappy books on a best seller list, so I know I might sound like a petulant child, but my mercurial temper needs to find it's release from time to time since I'm so taciturn in my day to day life.