Send me an Angel...

Recently, I have felt as though I am trapped in an M. C. Escher painting; everything is backwards and upside down and nothing is quite as it appears. I lust after people I don't love or even like and I feel love for people I don't desire. I am pursued by people I am uninterested in and I carry torches for people no longer interested in me. I pine for people who once loved me or might someday love me, while turning a blind eye to those who are real and present. I lead people on and wind up hurting them out of curiosity and I frustrate people with my apathy and trepidation. I yearn for people I know aren't right for me, but who I can't have regardless, making me ache for them more. Yet, those who are willing and able to give me everything I claim to want, I turn away and discard. I say I know what I want but when I get it, it's not enough. I long for some intangible feeling, but grow frightened the moment I feel it.

I will have to consult my hippie friends to see if Mercury is in retrograde right now... But seriously, it's been a long time since I felt like things were lining up. The last time I recall feeling love, lust, comfort and longing simultaneously for the same person, was in the first year with my ex. I'd been keeping him at arm's length since we'd met, all the while knowing I was falling into that crazy kind of love with him. The kind where it physically hurt when he wasn't around and when he was, I wanted to crawl inside of him and become one with him and my heart was so full of longing for him in every way that every second he wasn't touching me was madness. We had 'movie love' in the beginning, but it was fleeting. Our fire burned too hot, too quickly and soon enough we were left futilely fanning some embers that had been doused by reality, differing views on life and hard-headedness.

Even though that situation fizzled, I miss those feelings. It's scary and invigorating and it makes you feel alive. I'd like to know that passion again, if only for a moment. Lately I just can't seem to get it right. This leads me to believe that either something significant is right around the corner, or the Universe has simply given up on me and decided to have some fun at my expense. Well two can play at that game, Universe. Maybe I'll go be a lesbian for awhile...